In the midst of it all, I've spent a lot of time looking back, reflecting on the past. I cherish the memories of days gone by: the Christmases at the farm with cousins, those early years with babies and toddlers and the many years serving a church during the holiday season. It occurs to me that this is the first Christmas in four years that are no papers due, no final exams to complete, no Greek to interpret. It is also the first Christmas that our family is celebrating from afar. 

Last year around mid December, Jeff and I were driving to Fargo from Minneapolis. We had spent the weekend celebrating a birthday with family. As we drove, we started to talk about the plans for Christmas. Somewhere in the conversation, I remember saying "this could be the last year we're in North Dakota. Who knows where we'll be next year." In the midst of the final push of the seminary journey and the more clearly closed doors, we knew the time was coming. It was a difficult time with lots of questions, little clarity and what seemed like defeaning silence from God. Looking back, it is clear God was preparing our hearts and minds for where He would lead.  

Tomorrow night, I'll help lead worship. We'll praise God, sing with the choirs and light candles to observe that silent night long ago, when God broke through the darkness and kept his promises to a desperate people, Israel. Then, on Sunday, I will preach about the joy of Christmas day, just like I have the past three years.  Except, I'm preaching in a different place, to different people. As I look back on the past year, it is not lost on me that in my darkness, God broke through and kept his promises.

Scripture reminds us that God is a great Father, who lavishes his love on us. He is putting things into place and preparing a future for you that is far beyond what you can imagine. We have hope that when we look back, even into the darkness, we will see how he was at work, preparing us for the next place. We can trust that while we struggle, Christ is with us. We have a God who keeps his promises. 

This Christmas, if you find it difficult to sing, if you struggle to smile, if you are in a desperate place, I want to encourage you: God has not forgotten you. He sees your struggles, he understands the sadness, he is present in the pain. While right now it is difficult to see, God is at work. 

I give thanks and praise for the darkness and desperation. I give thanks for the ways God shines, even when it is hard to see. I give thanks for a God I can trust and turn to in all things. And I give thanks that his purposes - his good purposes - are far greater than anything than I could have ever thought to imagine. 

Merry Christmas.

What are you doing here Elijah? This was the question Christine Caine posed to a packed house at Passion 2015.  I was there as a Doorholder, making the way for 20,000 college students to hear the message of Jesus. I had no intention or expectation of hearing a word for me. I simply desired to serve. On that Saturday, I made my way to the Doorholder Suite and soon heard a message that rocked me to my core. 

You see, for the seven years or so leading up to that night, I had been serving some amazing youth and young adults at a church. And truly, it had been an awesome ministry and an awesome call. But on that night, I was tired, exhausted and searching. The "why" and "how much longer, Lord" questions were weighing heavily on my heart and mind. Between full time Seminary. full time ministry and a full home life, I was struggling to get the compass to point to Jesus and even more, trust what he was doing. The question I was asking myself on the regular was "what are you still doing here, Andrea?!?!"

That night, Christine Caine preached to the leaders, but God had her speaking to me. She spoke of burn out and exhaustion, fear and doubt, the overwhelming of feeling a failure. In the midst of my desert place, she spoke these words "go back the way you came..." and I was convicted. Everything in my heart and mind was ready to throw in the towel, call it a day, quit the ministry I was in. But there she stood, preaching this story of Elijah and God convicted me: go back the way you came. Because while you are of little faith, I am faithful. 

Fast forward 18 months. 

Three weeks ago, I graduated seminary. I earned my Master of Divinity. 
On Tuesday, I was called to serve a church. 
This Sunday, I will be ordained a pastor. 

The lectionary passage for this Sunday, my ordination? 1 Kings 19. This is no coincidence. God. Is. Faithful. 

This past month, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my years of service at my current church. I've been blessed to work with amazing young people. I have been afforded the opportunity to develop and lead missions to places far and wide. I've learned more than I can articulate about leadership in the church. And through it all, even while I've served, I've struggled to see what God is doing. 

What are you doing here, Elijah? The irony is not lost on me. What's interesting about this passage is that Elijah hears the voice of God in the silence. Yet he knew God was present. As I've reflected on these years of ministry, I am overcome by awe at the ways in which God was and remains present. In this season of serving, of being zealous for the Lord, what seemed like silence was not indicative of inaction.  God has been at work. He has been moving, working, preparing even while I was completely unaware. He has been at work, even when I did not hear the sound. Indeed, God is dancing all around. For years, I've shared this truth, even while struggling to trust it for myself. I humbly confess in the words of Job: 

I know that you can do all things, no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to  know... My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Are you amazed by the Lord? Is that the season you are in? Or are you exhausted and doubting? Perhaps all you hear is silence and it's causing you wonder if God's abandoned you. I can tell you for certain that I understand. The seasons of desert can seem so long. It's difficult to trust and see God at work. But he's there. Dancing all around and orchestrating a symphony for your life that is far beyond what you can perceive. The challenge for you and I is to keep trusting, even when it's difficult, to cling to his promises, even when they seem vacant, to take each setback and hurdle in stride, trusting that God is doing more than we are seeing, more than we can hear, more than we can conceive. Keep pressing on in the silence, and know that God is present. And in time, stand in awe of all God has done. I assure you...he is at work. 





 

This morning I woke up at 4:00 a.m., was out the door by 4:30 and on my way to Minneapolis to begin my semester long experiment of taking two classes on campus at Bethel Seminary. When I first registered for these two classes my thought process was to experience a "regular" class, in person, with feedback and conversation on the topics at hand. Adding to this desire was the content of these courses: Christian Social Ethics and Global Ministry. I also felt (feel?) strongly that topics that so deeply impact and apply to ministry deserve conversation and in-person contemplation. 

What I didn't realize was this decision would fast forward my Seminary experience. With September upon us and class in session, the reality of the end of this journey is hitting home. It's unbelievable that soon I will be done. Soon I will graduate and embark on a new call of ministry.

This afternoon, I step into the classroom and it occurs to me that this is the room where it all began. It was in this room where TM and his hermeneutic deconstructed, brick by brick, everything I knew about faith, the Bible, Jesus, the church, and which character I am in the story (we're minor....). I remember sitting in this room, head spinning, confused and generally feeling completely under-prepared. I remember coming in late, lost in the building. I remember meeting people and feeling like the new kid in school, unsure if I had what it takes to "do" seminary. 

I remember feeling profound gratefulness that at every turn that first year, the professors, staff and students rallied behind me, praying for me in incredibly difficult circumstances, helping me pursue my call, encouraging me to keep at it and reminding me to grant my self grace when I just couldn't get it all done. 

I remember feeling ecstatic at the end of year one, hitting a stride year two, stressed all year three, and completely overwhelmed by the pastoral care and support of my Greek prof. 

The deconstruction is what stands out to me though. Many people have a negative view of seminary. My pastor jokingly (I think) calls it "semetery" and a short perusal through the blog world and social media will reveal that perhaps it is semetery. Many people embark on the seminary journey, spurred by a call of faith, which is all too quickly extinguished. The deconstruction, necessary to rebuild your personal theology, taps deeply into doubt and when unchecked, can spiral to agnosticism or atheism. It's certainly not what one would expect when embarking...

Despite faculty changes, institutional struggles and changes in staff, seminary has been a haven. I have needed the escape of deconstruction, a new setting, people of faith wrestling with the same questions, and hearing stories of overcoming obstacles in ministry. My heart, faith, call to ministry and trust in God has been challenged in every other way possible the last three years. Seminary has been my sanctuary, the safe haven where I've come to tap into the Spirit, be reminded that God is up to good things in this world and desires to use me for his purpose. 

So today, I give thanks for this room where it all began. I give thanks for every person placed in my path these past three years and I give all glory to God, who needed me raw to rebuild, renew and restore my faith and sense of his purpose going forward. 

In a few short days, I embark on yet another mission with another fantastic team. This time around, we travel to Catadupa, Jamaica. For 8 days, we'll serve the community, leading Kids Club and completing work projects side by side with the local people. This is the same community our team traveled to in 2012, and we are excited to return. We are excited to go back and see what God has done and how he has continued to move and work.

After planning and completing an amazing mission trip to Chicago, it was time to get to work on this mission. To be honest, I've been stressed out - the result of an overwhelming amount of homework (yay Greek!) and prepping to take 25 people on international mission. From organizing countless forms, making multiple copies of insurance cards, passports and notarization to leave the county to prayerfully seeking God's words for this team as I write devotions, there's been a lot to do. I've felt the stress and weight of making sure this trip goes well (as well as it can) and is a positive experience for the high school team, college age team and adults. I want it to be perfect, not for my sake, but because I want nothing to come in the way of this team meeting God - maybe again, maybe for the first time.

Today, I sit in my office, with my desk (mostly) clear. The planning is complete, all the loose ends are tied up. The Ipod is stocked with music. The last of my homework has been submitted, so I'm free from that for two weeks (PRAISE GOD!)... From where I sit today, this is the best part of the preparation. I am free. I am free from all the things I have to do, get done and complete. I'm free to surrender to worship and prayer.

The truth is, as I've planned and prepped for this mission, I've been overwhelmed, not by all that needs to be done, but the words and prayers God is giving me for this team.

Countless times I've gone through the high school team list and God has given me prayers for these people. Or words for their families or parents. Our high school ministry has grown - maybe not wide, but deep - these last few years. Our faithfulness to God, our obedience to his will, has been fruitful. This high school teams is ready for whatever God brings. They are open, they are fearless, they are found in Christ. And so I pray in anticipation for what he will bring each of them on the mission.

Our college team has rendered me speechless, breathless and on my knees in prayer for them and for what God will do through them on this mission. This team has been on my heart since day one of youth ministry, when they weren't much older than my son. As we have met, talked, prayed and chiseled in preparation for this mission, God has revealed much. He is carefully preparing for heart, soul and mind surgery on each of them. They know it. I know it. I am overcome with a sense that God is on the move within each of these young adults.

And so today and in the days ahead, I am free of what I need to do, and find myself free falling to my knees. I humbly invite you to join me and to pray for this team and the mission ahead:

Prayer Requests (Full Team)
- Pray for the community of Catadupa
- Pray for the youth team from Ashburn Presbyterian (who will be there with us)
- Open hearts and minds to the work of God.
- Hearts open to surrender and freedom in Christ
- Pray for lives changed for God's glory
- Wisdom for our leadrs
- Our team time, prayer time and worship
- Boldness in sharing the good news of Jesus with one another and the people of Catadupa
- Strength and endurance for the hard work, heat and new surroundings
- Traveling mercies (long flights, drives, roads)
- Health, wellness and safety
- That all of our financial needs would be met

Prayer Requests (High School Team)
- For our graduated seniors, as they complete their last mission with Youth Ministry
- Strengthened faith and relationship with the Lord
- Commitment to serving God not just on mission, but at home
- Open eyes to where we can serve others
- Divine appointments for this team, that God would meet them where they are at

Prayer Requests (College Team)
- Discernment of future plans, as God speaks on this mission
- Wisdom for decisions about college, ministry and mission callings
- Strength and wisdom in allowing God to prune their lives of things not of him
- Strength to boldly proclaim Christ to the high school team
- Release the burden of guilt, shame, accept forgiveness so they can be open to God's healing and work
 
Prayer Requests (Leaders)
- That all needs at home/work would be met as we lead and serve
- That we would feel peace about our decision to lead mission
- That our children at home will be cared for in our absence
- For the people caring for our kids and helping our families
- For our spouses, as we lead and serve this team

In just a few days (4 to be exact) I depart with a team to serve in Ecuador. Shots done. Bags packed. Devotional started. Prayers continued. Anticipation/nerves high. The process of getting ready for international mission has been exciting and overwhelming, a lengthy checklist of things to do, that seems to only get longer each day. 

For my husband, kids and parents (who are helping Jeff care for the kids) preparing means calendars, lists of where to go when, which kid to what, who will transport who. It's an Excel spreadsheet of epic proportions, highlighted in 8 colors. It's emailing teachers to tell them I'm going to be gone, and to forgive if clothes are a bit disheveled, hair a little mussed (Jeff has many talents. Taming a 7 year old girl's hair is not one.) It's making sure bills are paid, fridge is stocked and pantry is full. It's explaining for the 100th time to the kids that I'll be gone and hoping they will be alright. I know they will be. It's attempting to make sure my rock-star husband is set, and giving thanks to God that I've got a husband who shares a heart and passion for mission. It's thanking him for allowing me to go, knowing full well he wishes he could to. It's appreciating that his "mission" for this trip is being home. Jeff, thank you. Thank you and thank you again. I praise God daily for you. 

For the ministry I serve, it's making sure everything is covered. It's making sure families know who to contact. It's checking and double checking that all the fundraising and events for summer missions are staffed and taken care of. It's assuring that Confirmation is arranged and putting final touches on curriculum. It's also lots of international calls to Jamaica, because we travel there for our Sr. High/College this summer and right now is (of course) when most of the plans need to be confirmed. 

For this mission, preparing means continuing to share what I'll be doing on mission. It means sharing the message of the mission, telling everyone I'm going - not for my glory, but for God's. It's telling people about the community, what we'll be doing and why I'm called to serve. And why you are too. Preparing means being honest about my fears and anxieties, trusting that God has got it covered. It also means continuing to lift up every member of the team in prayer, as well as the community we serve. And it's also meant seeking support for this mission, of which so many have been so generous. I'm blown away by the generosity of people to support this mission. Thank you, so much, for answering my prayers for financial support. The gifts allow me to travel and allow Jeff and I to "pay it forward" to some remarkable young people who do mission. 

As I've been reflecting this week, the words of Toby Mac's song "Steal My Show" keep playing. 


If you want to steal my show, I'll sit back and watch you. If you've got something to say, to on and take it away. Need you to steal my show, can't wait to watch you go... So take it away." 

The outro says this...in part: 

"My life. My heart. My dreams. My fears. It's all yours God. Take it away."


My heart, my passion, my prayer is that God will work through me to help others see him on this mission. My desire is to surrender fully to his will, to be reminded that it's his show, his glory, his renown for whom I go. My prayer is that as I travel, I will be reminded - yet again of that outro. It's all his. My life. My heart. My dreams. My fears. Everything. All his. All for him. May he take it and make it for his name. Amen 


If you would like to learn more about Casa De Fe and/or support this mission, click here. 


visit: http://www.gofundme.com/apaulsoncasadefe

I leave for Ecuador in 9 days.

My head is spinning, I'm overwhelmed by all I have to do, all I have to get and all the unknowns. And my arms ache, thanks to the shots I got this morning to prep my body for anything I might get into while on mission (namely, Yellow Fever, Typhoid and two different forms of Hepatitis). Now with my "Yellow Card" tucked into my passport, I'm another step closer to "ready."

Following my appointment at the travel clinic, it was time for some shopping. I got some of the items and have more to cross off the list. All of this needs to be completed Sunday night so we can pack and load the bus. 

The list of items needed for this trip is lengthy. Here's a sampling. 
- rubber boots
- water proof jacket
- quick drying coat
- quick drying pants (it rains all the time!)
- work gloves
- more work gloves
- Pepto Bismal

So based on the list, I can expect rain, work and gastro issues. I can deal with that. 

There's so much to do, so much to get done, so many nerves to quelch. 

It's so strange to me that this mission has me anxious. I've taken groups on mission for 7 years. I've been on all over the country, as well as Mexico and Canada. I've been responsible for the health and well-being of 30+ teens,  had to figure out all the details, make the plans, get us there and back alive. A breeze compared to what lies ahead. 

Some of it lies in the unknown. I'm going along for the ride. Much like my first trip to Mexico in 2008, I'm not sure of what's to come. 

Still other anxieties come from the flight. I don't like to fly and I really don't want to have a panic attack. 

Maybe I'm unsure of why I'm going. I have an idea. I feel comfortable with the why behind the what, but really... like, what am I doing on a medical mission? 

Perhaps I'm worried about Jeff and how he's going to balance it all while I'm gone. Yes. There's that. 

Or that anxiousness may be the realization that while I easily say I trust the Lord, I'm getting a full on, in-your-face,  gut-punch reminder of what it actually means to open the hand to full surrender. 

That part, that gut-punch? That has the been most amazing, grueling, freeing and exciting part of the process. I recall what we read in Ephesians 3: 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." ---- 

I'm most anxious about, most anticipating the immeasurably more. Every mission I've led and completed, God has done immeasurably more in the lives of the kids who travelled. He's done immeasurably more in the lives of the chaperones. He's done immeasurably more in the communities we've served. Immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. 

That is some crazy power, God. That you go before us, behind us and with us, working and doing more than we can ask, more than we can fathom. 

So for every thought I have about this mission, he is able to do more. 

For every hope I have, he is able to do more. 

For every expectation, he far outpaces anything I could consider. 

For every fear, he meets me there with immeasurably more comfort and assurance. 

And it's all for his glory. It's all for him. My job on this mission: Obedience. His promise for this mission: outcome. 

Would you join me in praying for our team? Pray for the community we will serve in Shell. Pray for our travels! Pray for the hearts of the team and those we will serve, that we will all be open to the immeasurably more. And, please consider joining us on this mission, through financial support. Any amount will help us do good work in the community and for the kingdom. 

Learn more here: 
http://www.gofundme.com/apaulsoncasadefe

The past few weeks, I've been sharing via Facebook and Twitter my upcoming mission trip to Ecuador. As I have shared the what, I have also asked for prayer and financial support. Can I just tell you that is not an easy ask? 

For me, the most difficult part of this mission has been getting over the fear of asking for support. I've worked with kids for a long time, and some have been bold enough to step out into the mission field, trusting they will be provided for (way to be Chad, Juanita, Adam and Nathan).  But when I ask people why they don't "go" the money part is the number one thing that stands in the way. I totally, fully 100% understand this!!! To actually ask for support feels like begging and, for us independent, stoic, Norwegian-German types up here on the tundra - well, we just don't do that. We take care of ourselves! We are self-sufficient! We don't take handouts! We don't need help. Thank you very much. 

The second most difficult part of the mission process is helping people understand why international and short term mission is necessary. If I had $1 for everytime I've heard "there's plenty to do here" I'd be able to fund this mission and probably 10 more. I understand that. I do. Before I was unceremoniously inducted into the world of mission in 2008, I felt the same. Thank you, Dale Wolf.  Honestly. If it hadn't been for your gutsy bet on a totally inexperienced person taking a role in Youth Ministry, my heart would not have been set on fire for mission. 

So, let's address this logic. Yes. There is plenty to do here. There are countless needs in our own communities. There are children hungry, women battered and abused, homeless veterans. There is inequality. There is injustice. There is trafficking, human slavery, people struggling with addiction. I agree - wholeheartedly - that there is plenty to do here. 

But here's something to consider. How often do you actually do anything about the "plenty to do here." Before my first mission to Mexico, I turned away from the needs of the community in which I live. I could easily walk past the people in need on the street. I could see a Red Kettle and shrug it off. I could hear stories on the news about the needs of the Women's Shelter, or the homeless. Want to know what my natural, American Christian reaction was: "they got themselves into that situation. They did it to themselves."  I'm so ashamed. But here's my reality, and I ask you to consider if it has ever been yours. 

So how did mission change that? Well, we live in a nation where the general belief is if you work hard enough, you can succeed, overcome, change your story. If you work hard enough, commit yourself to education, staying out of trouble your story can change. I think our "American Dream" fuels our natural tendency to shrug and dismiss the desperation of people and unmet needs in our own communities.

But, when you go to a foreign country, that entire school of thought gets turned on its head. When you step foot into a different country, you see that wow  - these people work hard, they commit themselves to bettering themselves, they commit to staying out of trouble.   And nothing changes. 

Imagine this. You work hard for 16 - 20 hours a day. And this is not enough to feed your child 1/2 cup of rice for supper. You work to provide and your hard work doesn't get you anywhere, because your labor is either forced or you get paid about $1.00 a day. The clothes you make, the coffee you process, the cocoa beans you pick - all for a buck or two a day - are consumed in a country far away by people who think nothing of dropping $5.00 on a 12 oz cup of coffee. For people who rarely stop to think about the lives of those who provide their "necessities."  

Think about that, all you Starbucks nuts (self included) The people who make our coffee? It would take them 2 to 3 DAYS to afford 1  cup of what they produce. 

This is why children in these countries are abandoned. Orphaned, alone, scared. This is why the special needs children of countries such as Ecuador are "forgotten." They are lost, faceless, nameless, with no resources, no one to care for them, look out for them. They are desperate not for the American Dream, but for love. The most basic need. Before you judge their parents, think about how difficult it is to send your infant to childcare the first day. Now imagine you can't afford to feed or clothe your child and your only option is abandonment? Or, worse. Selling them into trafficking. These are not bad parents. These are parents with no choices and no options. 

Friends - when we go to these countries, we have the opportunity to demonstrate that we are not a self-serving nation of consumers, but instead that we see. And we care. And we desire to give back. When we go, especially as followers of Christ, we demonstrate that the God we serve is one who commands us to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly. 

The benefit for the "plenty to do here?" When we come back - our hearts are shattered for the injustice here. Since returning from my first mission in 2008, I have become passionate about the needs right here. I (and my family) serve our community in countless  ways, because we have seen. And once you see, you can no longer refuse to do. Friends and family. I saw, and so I do. I saw and so I go. My heart refuses to beat in any other way. 

So I ask you all to consider. Would you give to support this mission? Would you consider passing on your daily tall, skim, mocha with extra whip cream this week and giving that amount towards this mission? 


Friends and family, I'm not necessarily suggesting you join me in person (though I firmly believe ALL people should experience one mission) but I am asking you to join me in connecting and giving back to a world in need of hope. I'm asking you to consider seeing the why behind the what, looking at this request as an opportunity. The world is in desperate need of hope. I invite you to help extend it. 


Please - check out Casa de Fe. And if you will, give. 

Is anyone else asking "hey, what's going on?"
 
The middle east is erupting with reports of massive brutality and crimes committed against people because of what they believe. Among these people are many who heard the message of Jesus in a land hostile towards Christians and still answered the call, answered Christ's question "Who do you say I am?" the same way Peter did: "You are the messiah." 

Frankly, the news we are hearing is heartbreaking. My heart has been burdened heavily by the thought of men, women and children attacked, murdered and forced to flee because they claim the name of Christ. I've stopped in my tracks the past few days, grieving for mothers who've lost their children, families torn apart. I'm devastated my children have to learn the word "genocide." I've wondered what creates such brutal fanaticism. I've searched God, asking "why" but also pondering the glory of heaven for a new generation of martyrs. 

I've also thought  a lot about how we so callously take for granted that we can practice our religion (whatever that may be) here in the US, and even more so how disrespectful so many are in terms of our faith. We treat following Jesus as an afterthought, a one day a week thing, when others die for what we toss aside or treat as self-help so we can feel good about ourselves. 

Too much thinking can leave one feeling a bit low on hope. 

Thank you Lord, for a worship song, a treadmill and a sunrise over Scheels Arena.

This morning I was at the gym pondering the sadness of the past few days when Matt Redman's "Jesus, Only Jesus" came on my IPod. As I listened to the words of this worship song, the sun began to creep over a building across the way, and I thought of the sunrise over the desert in the Middle East. The collision of music and a dawn of a new day left me feeling peace for the first time in a few days.  The lyrics are so powerful, and in light of the chaos and trouble in the world, they are filled with hope and power. Hope and power, strength and praise. Most of all they are filled with a bold proclamation of who we worship. I've linked the song below, but here are the lyrics:

Who has the power to raise the dead?
Who can save us from our sin?
He is our hope, our righteousness
Jesus, only Jesus

Who can make the blind to see?
Who holds the keys that set us free?
He paid it all to bring us peace
Jesus, only Jesus

Holy, King almighty Lord
Saints and angels all adore
I join with them and bow before
Jesus, only Jesus

Who can command the highest praise?
Who has the name above all names?
You stand alone, I stand amazed
Jesus, only Jesus

Holy, King almighty Lord
Saints and angels all adore
I join with them and bow before
Jesus, only Jesus

Somewhere - maybe next to me on the treadmill, across the country in the midst of pain and loss, or in the Middle East with no certainty of what the next hour will hold - people of all races, people of every tongue, tribe and nation are confessing these words. Not because they have to, but because Jesus is more than a fairy tale, good man, or prophet. Not because they are forced to bow to another God, but because they found hope the world could not offer, experience peace that is not of this world, and understand that being raised from the dead starts the moment one realizes Jesus breaks into our lives and rescues us. Praise God, Amen and Amen. 

I don't even know what to pray for today, how to pray, or what else to do to help. But I can tell you one thing for sure: considering these words and knowing that in the midst of shadows, putting your faith in a God that receives heartfelt reverence and worship in songs like these gives me joy and peace. As they say "earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal..." How true. I think of those now standing in God's presence, standing amazed at the sight of their savior, Jesus. Only Jesus. How true indeed. 

Please: continue to pray for all people around our world who live under persecution and the threat of death. Pray for the many who have lost their lives. Pray Christians in the West will start/continue living like the Jesus of the bible, not the one we've constructed. And perhaps, pray you too will be so captured by grace that losing your life today means finding it in Christ. 

Today I am grieved. 

Today, the "church" is once again looking like a mess to the world outside, once again creating countless reasons for those on the outside - those who doubt God, who argue religion is toxic, who say it's a created institution that should die - to smugly suggest that maybe they are right. 

My heart is grieved. 

We have pastors building million dollar mansions. 

Pastors preaching that God wants to bless us with money and riches. 

Pastors protesting funerals of soldiers, abortion clinics and churches. 

Pastors who are vulgar, sexist, cheating control freaks. 

Pastors looking to make themselves a name politically, socially or culturally. 

Pastors falling to temptation of drug use, alcohol abuse, adultery and more.

Pastors known as "celebrity-pastors." (Cue Brad Paisley "when you're a celebrity it's adios reality...")

Then there are the pastors publicizing letters and blogs to said pastors for their lack of ethics and care.


As I read the articles and blogs, comments and attacks going back and forth, my heart broke. I wept for the bride of Christ. And for all of us within it, as leaders and members. And for followers of Jesus who have been hurt by the actions of church leaders. And for the many leaders caught in sin, who at one point in time looked at the mess and wept too.  And especially for those who just want to love others and share the good news of the Savior who reached into their sloppy mess of a life and pulled them to freedom. 

And I wept for myself. 

Let me explain why. 

I am seeking my M. Div., learning what it takes to be a leader in the church, pursuing what God has pulled me to - despite my kicking and screaming. I read these stories of pastors falling hard, and I can't help but be fearful of the slippery slope of pride and how it leads to lust for power, prestige, influence and a false sense of invincibility. 

You see, pride is part of each of us. It's lurks in the background, somewhere near good intentions, ready to take over.  In my years of youth ministry I have daily - daily - had to check my motives, check my heart. I've daily asked myself if the ministry I am serving is still about God or if I am making it about me.  There have been times when the edge of pride has been well escaped. There have been other times where its been tested and rebuked by people I love and trust. And then...there are the times it's been slippery, catching me in the muck and sliding me right into the canyon of disaster. Those have not been good times. Thank you, Lord for your grace and the grace of those I serve.  

Those times and all of the news in the world about pastors leaves me terrified. 

I'm terrified because I don't know what it is that makes a well intentioned, Christ-centered, kingdom oriented leader stop checking their pride and loosing their grip on reality to full surrender to Christ.  I know all about accountability partners, staying in the bible, having quiet time with God, daily worshipping, and taking time off for self care. But so did all the others. What changed?

Sin, at the very root, is our doubting the goodness of God. Because we doubt the goodness of God, we move into that place of pride, where we think we can do it better, know it better, preach it better. How in the world do I avoid that? How do I avoid that now? How do I avoid that in the future? 

I don't know the answers. Tonight I'm wrestling with these questions, sliding down a different slippery slope of fear and confusion of how and where I fit in the church. 

And yet, I'm comforted by the one thing that remains: the slippery slope of grace. 

Jesus Christ is madly in love with his bride, his body, the church. And he's madly in love with the broken people who make up that body. He lived and bled and died and rose again so we can throw off all that binds us, all the brokenness and be found in that grace. Despite the wreckage that seems to abound - that seems to overtake the beauty of it all -we must not forget that HIS grace is enough and will remain enough as we continue to seek him, follow him and serve him. As we move ahead and meander through this valley of "bad press" my prayer is that we grant grace to one another, grant grace to the body, grant grace even as we rebuke and correct, and work to unity under the only name that saves.

The reality is the world needs the body of Christ - no matter how broken she appears - to show them there is hope at the foot of the cross. The world is in desperate need of knowledge that there is grace and mercy and a perfect love that binds the wounds of the broken-hearted, that promises no more sorrow and tears. We have work to do, Bride. We have a people in need of care and compassion and a message of hope to share. Let's get on with the mission and serve the one who selflessly did the same for us. 










The pictures taken above were taken one day apart. On a Monday, we had small group outside around the fire ring, reading Amos (our Minor Prophet of the week) and talking about the message for the Israelites and what we can learn from it today. The next night, I was at a ministry meeting at First Lutheran Church and asked to tour the sanctuary (yes, I've lived in this town my whole life and never had stepped foot in this beautiful sanctuary...shame on me!) A few weeks ago, I preached at the church I serve - once in our ARK and another time in our sanctuary. This week, I preach at a park shelter. And all of these places are church. All of these places are opportunities to meet together. Break bread together. Praise God together. And, if we do it whole-heartedly, with our eyes fixed on Christ, we will open the doors for others to learn about Jesus, his grace, mercy and love - and be captured  by it.

Oddly enough, I had started to work on this post a week ago and now, my systematic theology course is in the midst of a heated debate (in the best way!) on our online platform of what church is. There are many different ways to see church. Some hold firmly to specific ideas of what church is and is not. As for me, well...I say things change. Our perspectives change. Where we experience Jesus and a community of faith shifts with life experience.

What I've been reminded of the past few weeks is that church takes a lot of forms. It's not like I didn't know this, but it's just been made so beautifully clear. Church looks and functions differently in different settings. The people we worship with or are reaching out to might change depending on where we are located, what we are studying or when we meet. But regardless, it is church.

As I think about church, I reflect on what a couple of my former seminary professors are working on - they are "re-imagining theological education." As I hear what they are up to, catch wind of their hopes and dreams, I can't help but think about what it would mean to re-imagine church. If we hold to the words of Acts 2:46 - 47, can't we re-imagine church in thousands of awesome ways? 

If we press into scripture and hold to what it teaches us we will, I think, be reminded of some things. First and foremost: there's no proven formula, aside from what scripture lays out. Mega church, small church, high church, liturgical church, house church, country church, recovery church, camp-fire church.

So, what does scripture lay out?

- The purpose of church is simple: give glory to God. This means everything we do is focused on him first. Not motives, agenda, promotion, marketing. We have to keep our motives clear, always self-checking our humility. If it becomes about me or you, it ceases to be about Him. And so, first and foremost: glory to God.

- Church exists to worship the God who is, for who He is.

- Church is about raising each other up to take seriously the call to follow Christ. The way each person lives and follows Jesus affects everyone else in the community.  "The demands of a life of discipleship in a fundamentally inhospitable environment" remind us of the importance of the body and community of Christ. Will we struggle, stumble and fall? Yup. But the true church holds accountable as they help one another walk the line back to Jesus, over and over again.

- Church is about outreach. It's about sharing the gospel and serving others in love. Changed people want to change people, through sharing the message of Christ. And frankly, changed people aren't content to sit in their buildings and listen. They want to move out to do, to go out and serve. They want to serve and witness not because there's a quota to meet, seats to fill, a church to grow, but instead a command to fulfill: make disciples, teaching them everything Jesus commanded.


If this is what the church is about, than does it matter what church is? Does it matter what it looks like? Does it matter how it functions? I don't know. I do know that a clean slate to "re-imagine" is an exciting thing. It allows us to throw off caution, let go of tradition if we need, hold on to tradition if we are led, ask questions, seek God's face and be reminded, yet again, of God's glory.