I leave for Ecuador in 9 days.

My head is spinning, I'm overwhelmed by all I have to do, all I have to get and all the unknowns. And my arms ache, thanks to the shots I got this morning to prep my body for anything I might get into while on mission (namely, Yellow Fever, Typhoid and two different forms of Hepatitis). Now with my "Yellow Card" tucked into my passport, I'm another step closer to "ready."

Following my appointment at the travel clinic, it was time for some shopping. I got some of the items and have more to cross off the list. All of this needs to be completed Sunday night so we can pack and load the bus. 

The list of items needed for this trip is lengthy. Here's a sampling. 
- rubber boots
- water proof jacket
- quick drying coat
- quick drying pants (it rains all the time!)
- work gloves
- more work gloves
- Pepto Bismal

So based on the list, I can expect rain, work and gastro issues. I can deal with that. 

There's so much to do, so much to get done, so many nerves to quelch. 

It's so strange to me that this mission has me anxious. I've taken groups on mission for 7 years. I've been on all over the country, as well as Mexico and Canada. I've been responsible for the health and well-being of 30+ teens,  had to figure out all the details, make the plans, get us there and back alive. A breeze compared to what lies ahead. 

Some of it lies in the unknown. I'm going along for the ride. Much like my first trip to Mexico in 2008, I'm not sure of what's to come. 

Still other anxieties come from the flight. I don't like to fly and I really don't want to have a panic attack. 

Maybe I'm unsure of why I'm going. I have an idea. I feel comfortable with the why behind the what, but really... like, what am I doing on a medical mission? 

Perhaps I'm worried about Jeff and how he's going to balance it all while I'm gone. Yes. There's that. 

Or that anxiousness may be the realization that while I easily say I trust the Lord, I'm getting a full on, in-your-face,  gut-punch reminder of what it actually means to open the hand to full surrender. 

That part, that gut-punch? That has the been most amazing, grueling, freeing and exciting part of the process. I recall what we read in Ephesians 3: 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." ---- 

I'm most anxious about, most anticipating the immeasurably more. Every mission I've led and completed, God has done immeasurably more in the lives of the kids who travelled. He's done immeasurably more in the lives of the chaperones. He's done immeasurably more in the communities we've served. Immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. 

That is some crazy power, God. That you go before us, behind us and with us, working and doing more than we can ask, more than we can fathom. 

So for every thought I have about this mission, he is able to do more. 

For every hope I have, he is able to do more. 

For every expectation, he far outpaces anything I could consider. 

For every fear, he meets me there with immeasurably more comfort and assurance. 

And it's all for his glory. It's all for him. My job on this mission: Obedience. His promise for this mission: outcome. 

Would you join me in praying for our team? Pray for the community we will serve in Shell. Pray for our travels! Pray for the hearts of the team and those we will serve, that we will all be open to the immeasurably more. And, please consider joining us on this mission, through financial support. Any amount will help us do good work in the community and for the kingdom. 

Learn more here: 
http://www.gofundme.com/apaulsoncasadefe

The past few weeks, I've been sharing via Facebook and Twitter my upcoming mission trip to Ecuador. As I have shared the what, I have also asked for prayer and financial support. Can I just tell you that is not an easy ask? 

For me, the most difficult part of this mission has been getting over the fear of asking for support. I've worked with kids for a long time, and some have been bold enough to step out into the mission field, trusting they will be provided for (way to be Chad, Juanita, Adam and Nathan).  But when I ask people why they don't "go" the money part is the number one thing that stands in the way. I totally, fully 100% understand this!!! To actually ask for support feels like begging and, for us independent, stoic, Norwegian-German types up here on the tundra - well, we just don't do that. We take care of ourselves! We are self-sufficient! We don't take handouts! We don't need help. Thank you very much. 

The second most difficult part of the mission process is helping people understand why international and short term mission is necessary. If I had $1 for everytime I've heard "there's plenty to do here" I'd be able to fund this mission and probably 10 more. I understand that. I do. Before I was unceremoniously inducted into the world of mission in 2008, I felt the same. Thank you, Dale Wolf.  Honestly. If it hadn't been for your gutsy bet on a totally inexperienced person taking a role in Youth Ministry, my heart would not have been set on fire for mission. 

So, let's address this logic. Yes. There is plenty to do here. There are countless needs in our own communities. There are children hungry, women battered and abused, homeless veterans. There is inequality. There is injustice. There is trafficking, human slavery, people struggling with addiction. I agree - wholeheartedly - that there is plenty to do here. 

But here's something to consider. How often do you actually do anything about the "plenty to do here." Before my first mission to Mexico, I turned away from the needs of the community in which I live. I could easily walk past the people in need on the street. I could see a Red Kettle and shrug it off. I could hear stories on the news about the needs of the Women's Shelter, or the homeless. Want to know what my natural, American Christian reaction was: "they got themselves into that situation. They did it to themselves."  I'm so ashamed. But here's my reality, and I ask you to consider if it has ever been yours. 

So how did mission change that? Well, we live in a nation where the general belief is if you work hard enough, you can succeed, overcome, change your story. If you work hard enough, commit yourself to education, staying out of trouble your story can change. I think our "American Dream" fuels our natural tendency to shrug and dismiss the desperation of people and unmet needs in our own communities.

But, when you go to a foreign country, that entire school of thought gets turned on its head. When you step foot into a different country, you see that wow  - these people work hard, they commit themselves to bettering themselves, they commit to staying out of trouble.   And nothing changes. 

Imagine this. You work hard for 16 - 20 hours a day. And this is not enough to feed your child 1/2 cup of rice for supper. You work to provide and your hard work doesn't get you anywhere, because your labor is either forced or you get paid about $1.00 a day. The clothes you make, the coffee you process, the cocoa beans you pick - all for a buck or two a day - are consumed in a country far away by people who think nothing of dropping $5.00 on a 12 oz cup of coffee. For people who rarely stop to think about the lives of those who provide their "necessities."  

Think about that, all you Starbucks nuts (self included) The people who make our coffee? It would take them 2 to 3 DAYS to afford 1  cup of what they produce. 

This is why children in these countries are abandoned. Orphaned, alone, scared. This is why the special needs children of countries such as Ecuador are "forgotten." They are lost, faceless, nameless, with no resources, no one to care for them, look out for them. They are desperate not for the American Dream, but for love. The most basic need. Before you judge their parents, think about how difficult it is to send your infant to childcare the first day. Now imagine you can't afford to feed or clothe your child and your only option is abandonment? Or, worse. Selling them into trafficking. These are not bad parents. These are parents with no choices and no options. 

Friends - when we go to these countries, we have the opportunity to demonstrate that we are not a self-serving nation of consumers, but instead that we see. And we care. And we desire to give back. When we go, especially as followers of Christ, we demonstrate that the God we serve is one who commands us to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly. 

The benefit for the "plenty to do here?" When we come back - our hearts are shattered for the injustice here. Since returning from my first mission in 2008, I have become passionate about the needs right here. I (and my family) serve our community in countless  ways, because we have seen. And once you see, you can no longer refuse to do. Friends and family. I saw, and so I do. I saw and so I go. My heart refuses to beat in any other way. 

So I ask you all to consider. Would you give to support this mission? Would you consider passing on your daily tall, skim, mocha with extra whip cream this week and giving that amount towards this mission? 


Friends and family, I'm not necessarily suggesting you join me in person (though I firmly believe ALL people should experience one mission) but I am asking you to join me in connecting and giving back to a world in need of hope. I'm asking you to consider seeing the why behind the what, looking at this request as an opportunity. The world is in desperate need of hope. I invite you to help extend it. 


Please - check out Casa de Fe. And if you will, give. 

Today I am grieved. 

Today, the "church" is once again looking like a mess to the world outside, once again creating countless reasons for those on the outside - those who doubt God, who argue religion is toxic, who say it's a created institution that should die - to smugly suggest that maybe they are right. 

My heart is grieved. 

We have pastors building million dollar mansions. 

Pastors preaching that God wants to bless us with money and riches. 

Pastors protesting funerals of soldiers, abortion clinics and churches. 

Pastors who are vulgar, sexist, cheating control freaks. 

Pastors looking to make themselves a name politically, socially or culturally. 

Pastors falling to temptation of drug use, alcohol abuse, adultery and more.

Pastors known as "celebrity-pastors." (Cue Brad Paisley "when you're a celebrity it's adios reality...")

Then there are the pastors publicizing letters and blogs to said pastors for their lack of ethics and care.


As I read the articles and blogs, comments and attacks going back and forth, my heart broke. I wept for the bride of Christ. And for all of us within it, as leaders and members. And for followers of Jesus who have been hurt by the actions of church leaders. And for the many leaders caught in sin, who at one point in time looked at the mess and wept too.  And especially for those who just want to love others and share the good news of the Savior who reached into their sloppy mess of a life and pulled them to freedom. 

And I wept for myself. 

Let me explain why. 

I am seeking my M. Div., learning what it takes to be a leader in the church, pursuing what God has pulled me to - despite my kicking and screaming. I read these stories of pastors falling hard, and I can't help but be fearful of the slippery slope of pride and how it leads to lust for power, prestige, influence and a false sense of invincibility. 

You see, pride is part of each of us. It's lurks in the background, somewhere near good intentions, ready to take over.  In my years of youth ministry I have daily - daily - had to check my motives, check my heart. I've daily asked myself if the ministry I am serving is still about God or if I am making it about me.  There have been times when the edge of pride has been well escaped. There have been other times where its been tested and rebuked by people I love and trust. And then...there are the times it's been slippery, catching me in the muck and sliding me right into the canyon of disaster. Those have not been good times. Thank you, Lord for your grace and the grace of those I serve.  

Those times and all of the news in the world about pastors leaves me terrified. 

I'm terrified because I don't know what it is that makes a well intentioned, Christ-centered, kingdom oriented leader stop checking their pride and loosing their grip on reality to full surrender to Christ.  I know all about accountability partners, staying in the bible, having quiet time with God, daily worshipping, and taking time off for self care. But so did all the others. What changed?

Sin, at the very root, is our doubting the goodness of God. Because we doubt the goodness of God, we move into that place of pride, where we think we can do it better, know it better, preach it better. How in the world do I avoid that? How do I avoid that now? How do I avoid that in the future? 

I don't know the answers. Tonight I'm wrestling with these questions, sliding down a different slippery slope of fear and confusion of how and where I fit in the church. 

And yet, I'm comforted by the one thing that remains: the slippery slope of grace. 

Jesus Christ is madly in love with his bride, his body, the church. And he's madly in love with the broken people who make up that body. He lived and bled and died and rose again so we can throw off all that binds us, all the brokenness and be found in that grace. Despite the wreckage that seems to abound - that seems to overtake the beauty of it all -we must not forget that HIS grace is enough and will remain enough as we continue to seek him, follow him and serve him. As we move ahead and meander through this valley of "bad press" my prayer is that we grant grace to one another, grant grace to the body, grant grace even as we rebuke and correct, and work to unity under the only name that saves.

The reality is the world needs the body of Christ - no matter how broken she appears - to show them there is hope at the foot of the cross. The world is in desperate need of knowledge that there is grace and mercy and a perfect love that binds the wounds of the broken-hearted, that promises no more sorrow and tears. We have work to do, Bride. We have a people in need of care and compassion and a message of hope to share. Let's get on with the mission and serve the one who selflessly did the same for us. 










I'm feeling reflective this week. On Tuesday I celebrated (observed?) my sixth year in youth ministry. It's been six years since I picked up the phone and called a church I had never heard of to inquire about a job I didn't really want. 

It's funny when I think about it. I went on the interview not knowing much. Sure, I had given my life over to God a few years before, but I didn't comprehend what that meant. I knew the Bible had a beginning and end. I had faith in God, but didn't know what it meant to live by it. If people talked about a "personal relationship with Jesus" I would put them in the Jesus Freak category. Start talking about hearing God's voice, the Spirit moving, the Enemy or spiritual warfare and they would go in the "Nuts" category.

In the interview, I raised questions about the church's core values, what they taught and what I disagreed with. I was brutally honest in my thoughts, partially because I didn't think I really wanted the job. I was sure honesty had negated any chance at a follow up. Huh. Shows what I know. 

I've now been in youth ministry three times longer than what's considered average, six times longer than I figured I would have at that interview.

Six years.

A few years back I had the opportunity to take another job, in fact I was offered the job. As I sat at the table with the people who would be my boss and executive, I heard a clear voice from God "not yet." And so the visit that was supposed to be accepting a salary and signing a contract ended with my saying: "I'm sorry. I just heard God say not yet. I'm not supposed to take this job." They looked at me like I was nuts. I felt nuts. But the voice was clear. 

Not yet. 

Since that moment when I heard God say "not yet," I have seen why. You see, in youth ministry there isn't much for tenure. Many youth people stick around long enough to burn out. They don't make it much past the heartache, of which there is more than imaginable. They take a look at their broken and bruised heart and spirit and realize it's not worth it. They count the cost in scars and battle wounds, apathy and argument. They don't listen for the "not yet" from God and decide they're done, can't do it anymore, have had enough.

Or, they start the ladder climb. They listen to a church culture that says the youth are a lesser ministry and your future is "pastor." They appreciate the years in youth ministry and move on to 'bigger,' 'better,' 'more respected.' 

It's too bad this is so normal. Had I given in to the burn out or started the ladder climb, if I had taken the job and not heeded God's word, I would have missed seeing God at work the way I have. It's an honor and privilege to see God move the way he does in young people. 

In six years, I've walked with kids through everything. Ev.ery.thing. You name it, I've ministered to it. I've walked alongside kids and their families through the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows. I've seen them succeed and fail, all the while seeking Jesus in the midst. Some have walked away from the faith, and for them I pray without ceasing. 

Still others have fallen into full surrender to Jesus and his will for their life. I've witnessed kids make their plans and let them unravel as God says "not yet." I've listened as young people step out in faith and boldly follow the Spirit, wherever it leads. I've experienced jr. high kids that seem indifferent or disobedient coming to know Christ in ways unimaginable. These same jr. high kids (who I was certain weren't getting a thing out of what I was trying to teach them) now bring me to my knees in worship by a simple text, a drop in visit, a phone call or a tweeted picture. I consider what God has done in their life and through them...and they don't realize what I see. I thank God that he said "not yet." 

It hasn't been an easy road. 

In six years, I've begged and pleaded with God to say "you're done." I've asked God to give me something, anything, to let me know I'm serving him well. I've had times of desert, wilderness and straight-up misery. My years have had heartache and hurt, as I've made mistakes, enemies and wrong decisions. I am tormented by things I said wrong, words that may have hurt and decisions that served as a lynch pin causing someone to walk away. And, while I realize I can't save anyone - that it's Jesus who saves - I'd be lying if I said it doesn't cross my mind that I really mess up sometimes. I quell the enemy voice enough. But sometimes it's convicting, it's a powerful reminder that I fall way short. And still, God says "not yet."

At year four, my husband and I had a difficult conversation and decided that when the class of 2014 was done, I would be too. They (and the class before them) baptized me into youth ministry with energy, spirit, chaos - and as they got older - faith, grace, mercy, acceptance and honesty. 

Well, they graduated two weeks ago. And I'm still here. 

Because again, I hear "not yet." 

Not yet. 

God is at work in me again (read more here) . I feel it. I'm in seminary pursuing my M.Div, not because I want to move up a ladder, but because I want to teach and lead well. I don't know where God will lead me, and I continue to seek the Spirit. The discernment process is in full force. As I hold small groups, prep for mission trips and talk deep theology with those who were jr. highers  when I started,  I reflect on these 6 years of youth ministry. I wait with anticipation of what God will do in the next phase of "not yet."

Today is day 41. 

41 days ago, Jeff and I were en route home from the Exponential conference. We had been filled, renewed, inspired and challenged in our faith and what God is calling us to both individually and together. 

In one of the breakouts, the challenge was put forth: before you do anything, before you act, decide, before you move, spend 40 days with God. You see, throughout scripture whenever someone is called to ministry, there is a period of waiting, desert, temptation, time with God. A time to press into God, seek his truth, his revelation. The 40 day challenge was put forth to press into God and wait on him. And so, in the car on the way to catch our flight home, I asked Jeff if we could do this journey together, reading scripture and for me, journaling. He agreed.

And God gave us Proverbs 4. 

Proverbs 4: 5, 12 - 13.
"Get wisdom, get understanding. Do not forget my words, or swerve from them.... I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well for it is your life. 

In these 40 days, we have daily turned to God's word, and daily we have been filled by his wisdom. We have felt his hand guiding and leading us. We have found hope that as we walk by faith and obedience to him, he is narrowing our way. We have held to his instruction and been reminded that HE is better than life.

To guide us, Jeff found an app that allows you to randomly chose scripture. We have been all over the bible. Old Testament, Minor Prophets. Epistles. Gospel. We have learned - or rather been reminded - that God is never random. God is perfect in his timing. Daily we have been filled fully by the Spirit, reminded of call and purpose, helped as we hone in on what he's calling us to. In the process, Jeff has taken a leadership of our faith, and for every ounce of me that is egalitarian in nature, I am so thankful that God is raising him up to lead in our home, in this way. 

Some days as I wrote, the pages were stained with tears - of happiness, dread and joy. Other days, I asked God to help me understand what he was revealing. Still others we added a Psalm, or read far beyond the assigned reading. And in all things, he has worked for good, as we answer his call.

At day 15, Jeff felt convicted of two things:
1) We should keep going after day 40
2) We should end the first 40 days with a fast. 

So on Thursday night, we prepared for our fast. We prayed together, asked for guidance and strength, wisdom and revelation. We shared communion. And then we began.

Yesterday, God gave us Proverbs 19: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 

Today - Lord God, today - I'm amazed. He gave us Ephesians 3. The passage that has come over and over and over again. The mystery of the Gospel revealed, as well as the Prayer for the Ephesians. 


The prayer I have prayed for my kids, and the youth kids and my husband. And that God knows I need to hear, that which has been revealed countless times since last July. He gives us today, a reminder: 

Ephesians 3: 14 - 21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts  through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.


In the 40 days, as we have pressed into the Lord, through prayer, worship, scripture and submission to God's will, we are strengthened by the truth shared in Ephesians. He is doing more than we can imagine. He is preparing us for his call, his purpose and aligning our passion to reach people for HIS glory. I can not say we are at ease with where he is leading us - yet. But we've had great conversations, thrown out different dreams and fears. And all the way, we are more and more encouraged by the love of Christ.

We are encouraged.. "to make a change, leave our home, give to the poor all that you own. Lose our lives...so that you can find it." (Lyrics: Josh Garrels. "Zion and Babylon," Love, War and the Sea In Between, 2012) 

 His love - the love of Christ - is worth it. 

Thanks be to God. 

This week, my Old Testament course required reading Exodus from start to finish, all the way through, in one sitting. I've read Exodus many times, but I'm not sure if I had done so start to finish. It is a lot of reading, but it is powerful! 

I was also prepping for the first night of a small group I lead. The words of God and Moses in Exodus 3 and 4 seemed to be a perfect start for this group. Praise God for his always timely word  - and for the professor who assigned it this week!
 
Exodus 3 is the "burning bush" passage, where the Lord addresses Moses and calls him to the task of going to Egypt and freeing the Israelites from slavery. When Moses asks the Lord who he should say sent him, the Lord's response is "I AM WHO I AM." The Lord goes on, telling Moses to remind the Israelites that "I AM" is the same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob...the same God from generation to generation. 

In chapter 4, Moses has a big moment of feeling small and inadequate. He asks the question "what if they don't believe me?" He says he isn't eloquent - he doesn't have the words to speak, the words to say. Then he pulls the "please pick someone else." 

God responds to each of Moses' concerns. HeI shows Moses what to do if the people don't believe him. He tells Moses he will help him speak and teach him what to say. To Moses' plea of 'send someone else,' God gets frustrated and reiterates that if He has called Moses, there isn't any excuse that will get him off the hook. The Lord will provide, the Lord will make happen what he wants done.

I started to ponder this. Who do I say God is? When God tells Moses that he is the same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, he is reminding him of the promises made and the promises fulfilled. He is sending Moses to rescue people who have forgotten his promises. Like the Israelites, how often do I forget about my God, the God of promises made, promises kept and promises fulfilled by the death and resurrection of Jesus? Who do I say God is? 

The second question is who do I say I am? How often am I like Moses? How often do I feel insufficient? Like nothing? Like not enough? How often do I allow these feelings of inadequacy to prevent God's will and call on my life? I forget all too easily that "I AM" is the same "I AM" who spoke to Moses.The God who said to Moses I will help you, I will provide for you, I will equip you with what you need to do the task I have called you to is the same God, doing the same for me. 

Too often in life, we feel inadequate. We feel we aren't enough to do what the Lord wants and need us to do. The question I posed to the small group is "what is God calling you to do, right here...right now? How is he equipping you to do that?" The kids are in high school. Their call is special - to share the message of hope with their friends, their sports teams, in their activities. I know each of them have been been chosen by God to serve in their time and place, in their high school. It's a pretty cool thought. And if we all think about it, and pray about it - the way God is equipping them to is so clear! He is telling them, teaching them, providing for them as they answer his call. How great is our God!?!?!

How is God calling you to share his truth, his message, his hope with a broken, hurting world? In your workplaces, homes, the activities you do, the people you serve, you have been specially called to shine the light of Jesus. He is calling you! He has given you everything you need to go and share! Like he promises Moses in Exodus 4: I will help you. I will teach you. I pray today, you will be reminded of who God is and who you are in him. I pray that you will be renewed in your passion for him and your desire to serve him where you are, fully relying on him to help you answer his call!  

Lord God, 
Help me to see my value is in you. Help me know that you have chosen me to do your will and your work, despite my feelings of insufficiency. Remind me that you never leave nor forsake those you have called. Guide me as I seek your help and trust your teaching so I can seek you and serve you well, wherever that may be. It is your will, God. I will not be moved, I will not be shaken, for I stand with the great "I AM."
Amen