A Life Changed: My Testimony
(Written October 2011)
Two days ago, I was convicted by a song I was listening to. (Listen here) At one point the artist sings "giving my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun...on that starry night He changed my life. Giving my life to the only one who gave me hope when I had none." It hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to cry. Thank God I work in a place I can worship and praise!
It hit me hard because it reflected my experience giving my life to Jesus, as if the artist had seen my life and written my testimony.
I was always a church goer. Raised in the church, good kid. So good, in fact, that at my 10 year high school reunion, when former classmates heard what I do, they said "Well, THAT figures." Anyway, as many people do, I went to college and got married. And then I took a big, long, extended step away from God. Huge.
At the time, my husband and I were going through a hard time. We were trying to have children and lost pregnancy after pregnancy. We went separate directions in our grief. He turned homeward and hunkered down. I found the bottle. It didn't matter what kind. It didn't matter where I was or who I was with. I wanted to do one thing and one thing only: DROWN the pain and not feel. Good thing alcohol helps you do that...
As one would imagine, this did tremendous damage to my marriage. I shudder at what I put him through as I dealt with pain on my own. "Why shouldn't I deal on my own, God abandoned me" was the way I felt. I did really stupid stuff when I drank. Really. Stupid. Things I don't remember. The things I do remember embarrass me and break my heart. They also make me thank God that I didn't end up in jail or kill someone.
After 3 years of this, "I" decided that my marriage was done. We were living in a small town in MN, where we had moved for my husband's job, I followed. I continued the path of self-destruction. I was a lost, hurt, sad person. Nothing was working out. No job, no children, (almost) no marriage, no friends, no hope.
I was offered a teaching job in a little town in central North Dakota. When I pulled out of Minnesota on August 13, 2003 Jeff and I agreed that it would be our "separation." It hurt to say those words, but I was out of hope. Why should I stick around there, around the marriage? When I looked at him, all I saw were all the things we didn't have, all the hurt, all the babies lost. I saw hopelessness.
I drove into dinky-town, ND with the sun on my face and a light feeling of "my new life." What I didn't know then is that it would be the start of my new life - for none of the reasons I expected. I loved this town. I loved the simple world, the calm of rural North Dakota. I'd walk along the vacant train tracks for miles, letting the dusty harvest air settle in my lungs. I'd attend those 9-man football games and feel joy. I loved the kids, filled with excitement and hope. I loved the little bar where everyone in town was MORE than willing to hook the young teachers up with beer. What wasn't to love?
But I also loved seeing the sunset at night across the fields and the starry night skies.
Man, those skies. Did you know that when you are in an area as rural as I was, with the skies unblemished by light of the city, the stars are magnificent? You have no idea. You can see millions of stars. You can see the Milky Way, the haze, the Northern Lights. It's beautiful.
It makes you think.
During this time, Jeff and I were talking, but really, this was my time. What I didn't know then is it was God's time with me. He wanted me in that place, at that time, by myself, so He could get to work.
He makes you think.
One night in November I stood outside staring at those skies. I thought about the previous 3 years. I thought about Jeff. I thought about the person I used to be and the person I had become. I was ashamed. And though "happy" with where I was, I was so lost.
Those starry skies, on the night He changed my life.
That night, I went on a long, quiet walk in the dark. I went back to my apartment and crawled into bed. But I couldn't sleep. I was crushed. Sad. Despondent. Had no hope. I'd tried everything on my own. I knew about God. As I lay there, recalling all the pain of the previous day, week, month... year, I cried out to Him. The only thing I directly recall is tears and the words "I give it back to you, God. Jesus, I give my life back to you. I can't do this, I give it to you God."
For what seemed like hours, I said those words, through tears, screams, sadness. It was as though an emotional faucet had been turned on and I couldn't turn it off. Eventually the light of day broke through the curtains. I don't remember sleeping, but for the first time I was at peace. "Though the weeping may last through the night, the joy comes with the morning."
Surrendering my life to Jesus didn't mean things were fixed immediately. But the past 7 years of my life have been a progression of God showing me what only HE can. Consistently, hope has been revealed. Consistently, God has proven faithful. He always proves faithful to those who call on Him and are called by Him. That night, He called me. He changed my life on that starry night. Praise God.
What's your story?
Two days ago, I was convicted by a song I was listening to. (Listen here) At one point the artist sings "giving my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun...on that starry night He changed my life. Giving my life to the only one who gave me hope when I had none." It hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to cry. Thank God I work in a place I can worship and praise!
It hit me hard because it reflected my experience giving my life to Jesus, as if the artist had seen my life and written my testimony.
I was always a church goer. Raised in the church, good kid. So good, in fact, that at my 10 year high school reunion, when former classmates heard what I do, they said "Well, THAT figures." Anyway, as many people do, I went to college and got married. And then I took a big, long, extended step away from God. Huge.
At the time, my husband and I were going through a hard time. We were trying to have children and lost pregnancy after pregnancy. We went separate directions in our grief. He turned homeward and hunkered down. I found the bottle. It didn't matter what kind. It didn't matter where I was or who I was with. I wanted to do one thing and one thing only: DROWN the pain and not feel. Good thing alcohol helps you do that...
As one would imagine, this did tremendous damage to my marriage. I shudder at what I put him through as I dealt with pain on my own. "Why shouldn't I deal on my own, God abandoned me" was the way I felt. I did really stupid stuff when I drank. Really. Stupid. Things I don't remember. The things I do remember embarrass me and break my heart. They also make me thank God that I didn't end up in jail or kill someone.
After 3 years of this, "I" decided that my marriage was done. We were living in a small town in MN, where we had moved for my husband's job, I followed. I continued the path of self-destruction. I was a lost, hurt, sad person. Nothing was working out. No job, no children, (almost) no marriage, no friends, no hope.
I was offered a teaching job in a little town in central North Dakota. When I pulled out of Minnesota on August 13, 2003 Jeff and I agreed that it would be our "separation." It hurt to say those words, but I was out of hope. Why should I stick around there, around the marriage? When I looked at him, all I saw were all the things we didn't have, all the hurt, all the babies lost. I saw hopelessness.
I drove into dinky-town, ND with the sun on my face and a light feeling of "my new life." What I didn't know then is that it would be the start of my new life - for none of the reasons I expected. I loved this town. I loved the simple world, the calm of rural North Dakota. I'd walk along the vacant train tracks for miles, letting the dusty harvest air settle in my lungs. I'd attend those 9-man football games and feel joy. I loved the kids, filled with excitement and hope. I loved the little bar where everyone in town was MORE than willing to hook the young teachers up with beer. What wasn't to love?
But I also loved seeing the sunset at night across the fields and the starry night skies.
Man, those skies. Did you know that when you are in an area as rural as I was, with the skies unblemished by light of the city, the stars are magnificent? You have no idea. You can see millions of stars. You can see the Milky Way, the haze, the Northern Lights. It's beautiful.
It makes you think.
During this time, Jeff and I were talking, but really, this was my time. What I didn't know then is it was God's time with me. He wanted me in that place, at that time, by myself, so He could get to work.
He makes you think.
One night in November I stood outside staring at those skies. I thought about the previous 3 years. I thought about Jeff. I thought about the person I used to be and the person I had become. I was ashamed. And though "happy" with where I was, I was so lost.
Those starry skies, on the night He changed my life.
That night, I went on a long, quiet walk in the dark. I went back to my apartment and crawled into bed. But I couldn't sleep. I was crushed. Sad. Despondent. Had no hope. I'd tried everything on my own. I knew about God. As I lay there, recalling all the pain of the previous day, week, month... year, I cried out to Him. The only thing I directly recall is tears and the words "I give it back to you, God. Jesus, I give my life back to you. I can't do this, I give it to you God."
For what seemed like hours, I said those words, through tears, screams, sadness. It was as though an emotional faucet had been turned on and I couldn't turn it off. Eventually the light of day broke through the curtains. I don't remember sleeping, but for the first time I was at peace. "Though the weeping may last through the night, the joy comes with the morning."
Surrendering my life to Jesus didn't mean things were fixed immediately. But the past 7 years of my life have been a progression of God showing me what only HE can. Consistently, hope has been revealed. Consistently, God has proven faithful. He always proves faithful to those who call on Him and are called by Him. That night, He called me. He changed my life on that starry night. Praise God.
What's your story?