This October brought with it a season of disorientation with the Lord. Disorientation can mean a feeling of separation and distance. But this October's gift of disorientation is not the result of separation, but instead a profound season of discernment. The season of discernment caused disorientation has left me (as my supervisor, Mark, identified) restless. Like a compass spinning round and round, but failing to find North, I haven't been able to get my bearings of what God is calling me to. The sense that God is calling me to something new and/or different - here or elsewhere - is clear.
This way, that way or the other way. Spin, spin, spin.
I've spent many hours reading scripture, completing my devos, listening to worship music and reflecting on my ministry, call and purpose. The discernment is awesome. The resulting disorientation is not awesome.
Spin, spin, spin. It is dizzying, this season. And exciting. Nerve-wracking. Exhausting. Confusing. Lonely.
As I have lingered in this season of discernment caused disorientation, I am struck by Psalm 13:
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
What I trust in this season of discernment and disorientation is that the Lord is preparing me. I am not going into this season separated from him, but with a desire to draw nearer to him. I am acutely aware that if I am to serve him as he is calling me to do, and if I am to follow where he leads, I must draw near to him. I can not follow his lead, and lead others to follow HIM if I am not heading his words.
So I linger. I spin. And I trust. I trust his love. I trust his plan. I trust his purpose. I keep reaching for the Rope that is Christ.
I seek him. He receives my seeking heart.
I confess my sin and seek forgiveness. He pours out his grace.
And above all, with a heart full of thanksgiving, I rejoice. I rejoice!