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Jamaica

7/14/2015

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In a few short days, I embark on yet another mission with another fantastic team. This time around, we travel to Catadupa, Jamaica. For 8 days, we'll serve the community, leading Kids Club and completing work projects side by side with the local people. This is the same community our team traveled to in 2012, and we are excited to return. We are excited to go back and see what God has done and how he has continued to move and work.

After planning and completing an amazing mission trip to Chicago, it was time to get to work on this mission. To be honest, I've been stressed out - the result of an overwhelming amount of homework (yay Greek!) and prepping to take 25 people on international mission. From organizing countless forms, making multiple copies of insurance cards, passports and notarization to leave the county to prayerfully seeking God's words for this team as I write devotions, there's been a lot to do. I've felt the stress and weight of making sure this trip goes well (as well as it can) and is a positive experience for the high school team, college age team and adults. I want it to be perfect, not for my sake, but because I want nothing to come in the way of this team meeting God - maybe again, maybe for the first time.

Today, I sit in my office, with my desk (mostly) clear. The planning is complete, all the loose ends are tied up. The Ipod is stocked with music. The last of my homework has been submitted, so I'm free from that for two weeks (PRAISE GOD!)... From where I sit today, this is the best part of the preparation. I am free. I am free from all the things I have to do, get done and complete. I'm free to surrender to worship and prayer.

The truth is, as I've planned and prepped for this mission, I've been overwhelmed, not by all that needs to be done, but the words and prayers God is giving me for this team.

Countless times I've gone through the high school team list and God has given me prayers for these people. Or words for their families or parents. Our high school ministry has grown - maybe not wide, but deep - these last few years. Our faithfulness to God, our obedience to his will, has been fruitful. This high school teams is ready for whatever God brings. They are open, they are fearless, they are found in Christ. And so I pray in anticipation for what he will bring each of them on the mission.

Our college team has rendered me speechless, breathless and on my knees in prayer for them and for what God will do through them on this mission. This team has been on my heart since day one of youth ministry, when they weren't much older than my son. As we have met, talked, prayed and chiseled in preparation for this mission, God has revealed much. He is carefully preparing for heart, soul and mind surgery on each of them. They know it. I know it. I am overcome with a sense that God is on the move within each of these young adults.

And so today and in the days ahead, I am free of what I need to do, and find myself free falling to my knees. I humbly invite you to join me and to pray for this team and the mission ahead:

Prayer Requests (Full Team)
- Pray for the community of Catadupa
- Pray for the youth team from Ashburn Presbyterian (who will be there with us)
- Open hearts and minds to the work of God.
- Hearts open to surrender and freedom in Christ
- Pray for lives changed for God's glory
- Wisdom for our leadrs
- Our team time, prayer time and worship
- Boldness in sharing the good news of Jesus with one another and the people of Catadupa
- Strength and endurance for the hard work, heat and new surroundings
- Traveling mercies (long flights, drives, roads)
- Health, wellness and safety
- That all of our financial needs would be met

Prayer Requests (High School Team)
- For our graduated seniors, as they complete their last mission with Youth Ministry
- Strengthened faith and relationship with the Lord
- Commitment to serving God not just on mission, but at home
- Open eyes to where we can serve others
- Divine appointments for this team, that God would meet them where they are at

Prayer Requests (College Team)
- Discernment of future plans, as God speaks on this mission
- Wisdom for decisions about college, ministry and mission callings
- Strength and wisdom in allowing God to prune their lives of things not of him
- Strength to boldly proclaim Christ to the high school team
- Release the burden of guilt, shame, accept forgiveness so they can be open to God's healing and work
 
Prayer Requests (Leaders)
- That all needs at home/work would be met as we lead and serve
- That we would feel peace about our decision to lead mission
- That our children at home will be cared for in our absence
- For the people caring for our kids and helping our families
- For our spouses, as we lead and serve this team

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The Details

2/9/2015

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I leave for Ecuador in 9 days.

My head is spinning, I'm overwhelmed by all I have to do, all I have to get and all the unknowns. And my arms ache, thanks to the shots I got this morning to prep my body for anything I might get into while on mission (namely, Yellow Fever, Typhoid and two different forms of Hepatitis). Now with my "Yellow Card" tucked into my passport, I'm another step closer to "ready."

Following my appointment at the travel clinic, it was time for some shopping. I got some of the items and have more to cross off the list. All of this needs to be completed Sunday night so we can pack and load the bus. 

The list of items needed for this trip is lengthy. Here's a sampling. 
- rubber boots
- water proof jacket
- quick drying coat
- quick drying pants (it rains all the time!)
- work gloves
- more work gloves
- Pepto Bismal

So based on the list, I can expect rain, work and gastro issues. I can deal with that. 

There's so much to do, so much to get done, so many nerves to quelch. 

It's so strange to me that this mission has me anxious. I've taken groups on mission for 7 years. I've been on all over the country, as well as Mexico and Canada. I've been responsible for the health and well-being of 30+ teens,  had to figure out all the details, make the plans, get us there and back alive. A breeze compared to what lies ahead. 

Some of it lies in the unknown. I'm going along for the ride. Much like my first trip to Mexico in 2008, I'm not sure of what's to come. 

Still other anxieties come from the flight. I don't like to fly and I really don't want to have a panic attack. 

Maybe I'm unsure of why I'm going. I have an idea. I feel comfortable with the why behind the what, but really... like, what am I doing on a medical mission? 

Perhaps I'm worried about Jeff and how he's going to balance it all while I'm gone. Yes. There's that. 

Or that anxiousness may be the realization that while I easily say I trust the Lord, I'm getting a full on, in-your-face,  gut-punch reminder of what it actually means to open the hand to full surrender. 

That part, that gut-punch? That has the been most amazing, grueling, freeing and exciting part of the process. I recall what we read in Ephesians 3: 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." ---- 

I'm most anxious about, most anticipating the immeasurably more. Every mission I've led and completed, God has done immeasurably more in the lives of the kids who travelled. He's done immeasurably more in the lives of the chaperones. He's done immeasurably more in the communities we've served. Immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. 

That is some crazy power, God. That you go before us, behind us and with us, working and doing more than we can ask, more than we can fathom. 

So for every thought I have about this mission, he is able to do more. 

For every hope I have, he is able to do more. 

For every expectation, he far outpaces anything I could consider. 

For every fear, he meets me there with immeasurably more comfort and assurance. 

And it's all for his glory. It's all for him. My job on this mission: Obedience. His promise for this mission: outcome. 

Would you join me in praying for our team? Pray for the community we will serve in Shell. Pray for our travels! Pray for the hearts of the team and those we will serve, that we will all be open to the immeasurably more. And, please consider joining us on this mission, through financial support. Any amount will help us do good work in the community and for the kingdom. 

Learn more here: 
http://www.gofundme.com/apaulsoncasadefe







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The Slippery Slope

8/8/2014

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Today I am grieved. 

Today, the "church" is once again looking like a mess to the world outside, once again creating countless reasons for those on the outside - those who doubt God, who argue religion is toxic, who say it's a created institution that should die - to smugly suggest that maybe they are right. 

My heart is grieved. 

We have pastors building million dollar mansions. 

Pastors preaching that God wants to bless us with money and riches. 

Pastors protesting funerals of soldiers, abortion clinics and churches. 

Pastors who are vulgar, sexist, cheating control freaks. 

Pastors looking to make themselves a name politically, socially or culturally. 

Pastors falling to temptation of drug use, alcohol abuse, adultery and more.

Pastors known as "celebrity-pastors." (Cue Brad Paisley "when you're a celebrity it's adios reality...")

Then there are the pastors publicizing letters and blogs to said pastors for their lack of ethics and care.


As I read the articles and blogs, comments and attacks going back and forth, my heart broke. I wept for the bride of Christ. And for all of us within it, as leaders and members. And for followers of Jesus who have been hurt by the actions of church leaders. And for the many leaders caught in sin, who at one point in time looked at the mess and wept too.  And especially for those who just want to love others and share the good news of the Savior who reached into their sloppy mess of a life and pulled them to freedom. 

And I wept for myself. 

Let me explain why. 

I am seeking my M. Div., learning what it takes to be a leader in the church, pursuing what God has pulled me to - despite my kicking and screaming. I read these stories of pastors falling hard, and I can't help but be fearful of the slippery slope of pride and how it leads to lust for power, prestige, influence and a false sense of invincibility. 

You see, pride is part of each of us. It's lurks in the background, somewhere near good intentions, ready to take over.  In my years of youth ministry I have daily - daily - had to check my motives, check my heart. I've daily asked myself if the ministry I am serving is still about God or if I am making it about me.  There have been times when the edge of pride has been well escaped. There have been other times where its been tested and rebuked by people I love and trust. And then...there are the times it's been slippery, catching me in the muck and sliding me right into the canyon of disaster. Those have not been good times. Thank you, Lord for your grace and the grace of those I serve.  

Those times and all of the news in the world about pastors leaves me terrified. 

I'm terrified because I don't know what it is that makes a well intentioned, Christ-centered, kingdom oriented leader stop checking their pride and loosing their grip on reality to full surrender to Christ.  I know all about accountability partners, staying in the bible, having quiet time with God, daily worshipping, and taking time off for self care. But so did all the others. What changed?

Sin, at the very root, is our doubting the goodness of God. Because we doubt the goodness of God, we move into that place of pride, where we think we can do it better, know it better, preach it better. How in the world do I avoid that? How do I avoid that now? How do I avoid that in the future? 

I don't know the answers. Tonight I'm wrestling with these questions, sliding down a different slippery slope of fear and confusion of how and where I fit in the church. 

And yet, I'm comforted by the one thing that remains: the slippery slope of grace. 

Jesus Christ is madly in love with his bride, his body, the church. And he's madly in love with the broken people who make up that body. He lived and bled and died and rose again so we can throw off all that binds us, all the brokenness and be found in that grace. Despite the wreckage that seems to abound - that seems to overtake the beauty of it all -we must not forget that HIS grace is enough and will remain enough as we continue to seek him, follow him and serve him. As we move ahead and meander through this valley of "bad press" my prayer is that we grant grace to one another, grant grace to the body, grant grace even as we rebuke and correct, and work to unity under the only name that saves.

The reality is the world needs the body of Christ - no matter how broken she appears - to show them there is hope at the foot of the cross. The world is in desperate need of knowledge that there is grace and mercy and a perfect love that binds the wounds of the broken-hearted, that promises no more sorrow and tears. We have work to do, Bride. We have a people in need of care and compassion and a message of hope to share. Let's get on with the mission and serve the one who selflessly did the same for us. 











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This Is Church

7/11/2014

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First Lutheran Sanctuary, Fargo This is church...
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And so is this. Small Group. My driveway. Around a fire.

Everyday they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  Acts 2:46 - 47
The pictures taken above were taken one day apart. On a Monday, we had small group outside around the fire ring, reading Amos (our Minor Prophet of the week) and talking about the message for the Israelites and what we can learn from it today. The next night, I was at a ministry meeting at First Lutheran Church and asked to tour the sanctuary (yes, I've lived in this town my whole life and never had stepped foot in this beautiful sanctuary...shame on me!) A few weeks ago, I preached at the church I serve - once in our ARK and another time in our sanctuary. This week, I preach at a park shelter. And all of these places are church. All of these places are opportunities to meet together. Break bread together. Praise God together. And, if we do it whole-heartedly, with our eyes fixed on Christ, we will open the doors for others to learn about Jesus, his grace, mercy and love - and be captured  by it.

Oddly enough, I had started to work on this post a week ago and now, my systematic theology course is in the midst of a heated debate (in the best way!)
on our online platform of what church is. There are many different ways to see church.
Some hold firmly to specific ideas of what church is and is not. As for me, well...I say things change. Our perspectives change. Where we experience Jesus and a community of faith shifts with life experience.

What I've been reminded of the past few weeks is that church takes a lot of forms. It's not like I didn't know this, but it's just been made so beautifully clear. Church looks and functions differently in different settings. The people we worship with or are reaching out to might change depending on where we are located, what we are studying or when we meet. But regardless, it is church.

As I think about church, I reflect on what a couple of my former seminary professors are working on - they are "re-imagining theological education." As I hear what they are up to, catch wind of their hopes and dreams, I can't help but think about what it would mean to re-imagine church. If we hold to the words of Acts 2:46 - 47, can't we re-imagine church in thousands of awesome ways? 

If we press into scripture and hold to what it teaches us we will, I think, be reminded of some things. First and foremost: there's no proven formula, aside from what scripture lays out. Mega church, small church, high church, liturgical church, house church, country church, recovery church, camp-fire church.

So, what does scripture lay out?

- The purpose of church is simple: give glory to God. This means everything we do is focused on him first. Not motives, agenda, promotion, marketing. We have to keep our motives clear, always self-checking our humility. If it becomes about me or you, it ceases to be about Him. And so, first and foremost: glory to God.

- Church exists to worship the God who is, for who He is.

- Church is about raising each other up to take seriously the call to follow Christ. The way each person lives and follows Jesus affects everyone else in the community.  "The demands of a life of discipleship in a fundamentally inhospitable environment" remind us of the importance of the body and community of Christ. Will we struggle, stumble and fall? Yup. But the true church holds accountable as they help one another walk the line back to Jesus, over and over again.

- Church is about
outreach. It's about sharing the gospel and serving others in love. Changed people want to change people, through sharing the message of Christ. And frankly, changed people aren't content to sit in their buildings and listen. They want to move out to do, to go out and serve. They want to serve and witness not because there's a quota to meet, seats to fill, a church to grow, but instead a command to fulfill: make disciples, teaching them everything Jesus commanded.


If this is what the church is about, than does it matter what church is? Does it matter what it looks like?
Does it matter how it functions? I don't know. I do know that a clean slate to "re-imagine" is an exciting thing. It allows us to throw off caution, let go of tradition if we need, hold on to tradition if we are led, ask questions, seek God's face and be reminded, yet again, of God's glory.

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Not Yet

6/19/2014

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PictureThe graduate prayer wall.
I'm feeling reflective this week. On Tuesday I celebrated (observed?) my sixth year in youth ministry. It's been six years since I picked up the phone and called a church I had never heard of to inquire about a job I didn't really want. 

It's funny when I think about it. I went on the interview not knowing much. Sure, I had given my life over to God a few years before, but I didn't comprehend what that meant. I knew the Bible had a beginning and end. I had faith in God, but didn't know what it meant to live by it. If people talked about a "personal relationship with Jesus" I would put them in the Jesus Freak category. Start talking about hearing God's voice, the Spirit moving, the Enemy or spiritual warfare and they would go in the "Nuts" category.

In the interview, I raised questions about the church's core values, what they taught and what I disagreed with. I was brutally honest in my thoughts, partially because I didn't think I really wanted the job. I was sure honesty had negated any chance at a follow up. Huh. Shows what I know. 

I've now been in youth ministry three times longer than what's considered average, six times longer than I figured I would have at that interview.

Six years.

A few years back I had the opportunity to take another job, in fact I was offered the job. As I sat at the table with the people who would be my boss and executive, I heard a clear voice from God "not yet." And so the visit that was supposed to be accepting a salary and signing a contract ended with my saying: "I'm sorry. I just heard God say not yet. I'm not supposed to take this job." They looked at me like I was nuts. I felt nuts. But the voice was clear. 

Not yet. 

Since that moment when I heard God say "not yet," I have seen why. You see, in youth ministry there isn't much for tenure. Many youth people stick around long enough to burn out. They don't make it much past the heartache, of which there is more than imaginable. They take a look at their broken and bruised heart and spirit and realize it's not worth it. They count the cost in scars and battle wounds, apathy and argument. They don't listen for the "not yet" from God and decide they're done, can't do it anymore, have had enough.

Or, they start the ladder climb. They listen to a church culture that says the youth are a lesser ministry and your future is "pastor." They appreciate the years in youth ministry and move on to 'bigger,' 'better,' 'more respected.' 

It's too bad this is so normal. Had I given in to the burn out or started the ladder climb, if I had taken the job and not heeded God's word, I would have missed seeing God at work the way I have. It's an honor and privilege to see God move the way he does in young people. 

In six years, I've walked with kids through everything. Ev.ery.thing. You name it, I've ministered to it. I've walked alongside kids and their families through the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows. I've seen them succeed and fail, all the while seeking Jesus in the midst. Some have walked away from the faith, and for them I pray without ceasing. 

Still others have fallen into full surrender to Jesus and his will for their life. I've witnessed kids make their plans and let them unravel as God says "not yet." I've listened as young people step out in faith and boldly follow the Spirit, wherever it leads. I've experienced jr. high kids that seem indifferent or disobedient coming to know Christ in ways unimaginable. These same jr. high kids (who I was certain weren't getting a thing out of what I was trying to teach them) now bring me to my knees in worship by a simple text, a drop in visit, a phone call or a tweeted picture. I consider what God has done in their life and through them...and they don't realize what I see. I thank God that he said "not yet." 

It hasn't been an easy road. 

In six years, I've begged and pleaded with God to say "you're done." I've asked God to give me something, anything, to let me know I'm serving him well. I've had times of desert, wilderness and straight-up misery. My years have had heartache and hurt, as I've made mistakes, enemies and wrong decisions. I am tormented by things I said wrong, words that may have hurt and decisions that served as a lynch pin causing someone to walk away. And, while I realize I can't save anyone - that it's Jesus who saves - I'd be lying if I said it doesn't cross my mind that I really mess up sometimes. I quell the enemy voice enough. But sometimes it's convicting, it's a powerful reminder that I fall way short. And still, God says "not yet."

At year four, my husband and I had a difficult conversation and decided that when the class of 2014 was done, I would be too. They (and the class before them) baptized me into youth ministry with energy, spirit, chaos - and as they got older - faith, grace, mercy, acceptance and honesty. 

Well, they graduated two weeks ago. And I'm still here. 

Because again, I hear "not yet." 

Not yet. 

God is at work in me again (read more here) . I feel it. I'm in seminary pursuing my M.Div, not because I want to move up a ladder, but because I want to teach and lead well. I don't know where God will lead me, and I continue to seek the Spirit. The discernment process is in full force. As I hold small groups, prep for mission trips and talk deep theology with those who were jr. highers  when I started,  I reflect on these 6 years of youth ministry. I wait with anticipation of what God will do in the next phase of "not yet."



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#40days

6/14/2014

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Today is day 41. 

41 days ago, Jeff and I were en route home from the Exponential conference. We had been filled, renewed, inspired and challenged in our faith and what God is calling us to both individually and together. 

In one of the breakouts, the challenge was put forth: before you do anything, before you act, decide, before you move, spend 40 days with God. You see, throughout scripture whenever someone is called to ministry, there is a period of waiting, desert, temptation, time with God. A time to press into God, seek his truth, his revelation. The 40 day challenge was put forth to press into God and wait on him. And so, in the car on the way to catch our flight home, I asked Jeff if we could do this journey together, reading scripture and for me, journaling. He agreed.

And God gave us Proverbs 4. 

Proverbs 4: 5, 12 - 13.
"Get wisdom, get understanding. Do not forget my words, or swerve from them.... I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well for it is your life. 

In these 40 days, we have daily turned to God's word, and daily we have been filled by his wisdom. We have felt his hand guiding and leading us. We have found hope that as we walk by faith and obedience to him, he is narrowing our way. We have held to his instruction and been reminded that HE is better than life.

To guide us, Jeff found an app that allows you to randomly chose scripture. We have been all over the bible. Old Testament, Minor Prophets. Epistles. Gospel. We have learned - or rather been reminded - that God is never random. God is perfect in his timing. Daily we have been filled fully by the Spirit, reminded of call and purpose, helped as we hone in on what he's calling us to. In the process, Jeff has taken a leadership of our faith, and for every ounce of me that is egalitarian in nature, I am so thankful that God is raising him up to lead in our home, in this way. 

Some days as I wrote, the pages were stained with tears - of happiness, dread and joy. Other days, I asked God to help me understand what he was revealing. Still others we added a Psalm, or read far beyond the assigned reading. And in all things, he has worked for good, as we answer his call.

At day 15, Jeff felt convicted of two things:
1) We should keep going after day 40
2) We should end the first 40 days with a fast. 

So on Thursday night, we prepared for our fast. We prayed together, asked for guidance and strength, wisdom and revelation. We shared communion. And then we began.

Yesterday, God gave us Proverbs 19: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 

Today - Lord God, today - I'm amazed. He gave us Ephesians 3. The passage that has come over and over and over again. The mystery of the Gospel revealed, as well as the Prayer for the Ephesians. 


The prayer I have prayed for my kids, and the youth kids and my husband. And that God knows I need to hear, that which has been revealed countless times since last July. He gives us today, a reminder: 

Ephesians 3: 14 - 21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts  through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.


In the 40 days, as we have pressed into the Lord, through prayer, worship, scripture and submission to God's will, we are strengthened by the truth shared in Ephesians. He is doing more than we can imagine. He is preparing us for his call, his purpose and aligning our passion to reach people for HIS glory. I can not say we are at ease with where he is leading us - yet. But we've had great conversations, thrown out different dreams and fears. And all the way, we are more and more encouraged by the love of Christ.

We are encouraged.. "to make a change, leave our home, give to the poor all that you own. Lose our lives...so that you can find it." (Lyrics: Josh Garrels. "Zion and Babylon," Love, War and the Sea In Between, 2012) 

 His love - the love of Christ - is worth it. 

Thanks be to God. 


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I Believe

11/15/2013

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A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach the 8th graders about the Apostles Creed. These eighth graders! They are full of spirit, full of spark and on that strange road of lurching along in faith or falling head over in heels in love with Jesus. They are no different than any class of 8th graders who came before or any that will come after. It is a fun age to work with. 

We talked about where the creed came from, why we have it and examples of creeds in the bible. There are many places in the bible where the writers of the Old Testament and New Testament knew the importance and value of writing down what they believe, and we looked up those passages. We also talked why each part made its way into the Creed and how each article reveals what we believe about the God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit - that devine mystery called the trinity. 

As I was preparing, I started thinking of the creed. Here it is if you want to read through: 

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth. 

I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son our Lord, 

He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day, He rose again. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead. 

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting. Amen


If you are like me, you read and recite this so quickly that you forget just how important the words are, how much is said in such a short passage. 

I imagine most of us don't often reflect and meditate on what each article means. We don't fully comprehend the depth of each phrase. Furthermore, we don't consider how what we believe should affect how we live. 

We know what we believe, but we have no idea what we believe. 

For instance, we say that God is the creator of heaven and earth (and therefore, all things on heaven and earth). Do we treat people as a beautiful creation of the Father Almighty? Or do we judge by appearance? Do we value life - all life, born and unborn - as a blessed creation of the Father? Do we care for the earth, this place we inhabit, as a fantastic creation of the One who called it good? Or are we reckless in our use of resources, goods ... and people. 

Do we trust the power of God, the same power that conceived Jesus and rose him from the grave? Do we understand that confessing that power also confesses that we have that same power in us? That same power of the Holy Spirit dwells in us and gives us the courage, strength and boldness to proclaim who we are and what we believe, without fear! This power gives us life, gives us freedom to unabashedly follow the Lord without fear and chains? This power begs us to ask "whom shall I fear" and know the answer is NO ONE! 

Do we really believe in the holy Christian (catholic - which means universal - is said in some churches) church? Or, do we get hung up on shrapnel, those little shards of difference that prevent sharing the Gospel and replace it with petty arguments that cause division. I would argue that often, our actions as churches and denominations deny that we actually believe in the holy universal church...and we shift the focus of church from Jesus to things of man. 

And finally. Do we really believe in the forgiveness of sins? Do we really know that we are forgiven if we confess and repent? Do we trust that the slate is clean and we are washed and purified? Moreover, does our "belief" in our own forgiveness echo into our lives and how we forgive others? Or, do we deny what we state in the creed by hanging on to anger and hurt, creating grudges and walls between believers and non-believers alike?

As I reflect on the creed, this I know: I BELIEVE. 

My life just has a bit of catching up to do. 

Lord, 
I trust in you, I trust in the work of the cross. I trust that you are pouring out your Holy Spirit as I seek you and follow your will for my life. Continue to purify and refine me, Lord. That is my prayer. 
Amen

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Disoriented

11/12/2013

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October is a month marked by packed schedules, full days and fuller evenings. Between the responsibilities of the ministry I serve (October is Confirmation and retreat month), the full onslaught of activity schedules for our four children, Seminary intensives and more, there is never a dull moment. There is little time to stop, breathe, and enjoy the little moments. The end of October always means a season of disorientation and reorientation for my husband and I. Disorientation as we race to this and that and try to remember where we need to be to when. Reorientation sets in as we reconnect and have a full conversation again. (Thanks, November...for arriving as always!)

This October brought with it a season of disorientation with the Lord. Disorientation can mean a feeling of separation and distance. But this October's gift of disorientation is not the result of separation, but instead a profound season of discernment. The season of discernment caused disorientation has left me (as my supervisor, Mark, identified) restless. Like a compass spinning round and round, but failing to find North, I haven't been able to get my bearings of what God is calling me to. The sense that God is calling me to something new and/or different - here or elsewhere - is clear. 

This way, that way or the other way. Spin, spin, spin. 

I've spent many hours reading scripture, completing my devos, listening to worship music and reflecting on my ministry, call and purpose. The discernment is awesome. The resulting disorientation is not awesome. 

Spin, spin, spin. It is dizzying, this season. And exciting. Nerve-wracking. Exhausting. Confusing. Lonely. 

As I have lingered in this season of discernment caused disorientation, I am struck by Psalm 13: 

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

What I trust in this season of discernment and disorientation is that the Lord is preparing me. I am not going into this season separated from him, but with a desire to draw nearer to him. I am acutely aware that if I am to serve him as he is calling me to do, and if I am to follow where he leads, I must draw near to him. I can not follow his lead, and lead others to follow HIM if I am not heading his words. 

So I linger. I spin. And I trust. I trust his love. I trust his plan. I trust his purpose. I keep reaching for the Rope that is Christ. 

I seek him. He receives my seeking heart. 

I confess my sin and seek forgiveness. He pours out his grace. 

And above all, with a heart full of thanksgiving, I rejoice. I rejoice! 

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who are you? who am i?

9/11/2013

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This week, my Old Testament course required reading Exodus from start to finish, all the way through, in one sitting. I've read Exodus many times, but I'm not sure if I had done so start to finish. It is a lot of reading, but it is powerful! 

I was also prepping for the first night of a small group I lead. The words of God and Moses in Exodus 3 and 4 seemed to be a perfect start for this group. Praise God for his always timely word  - and for the professor who assigned it this week!
 
Exodus 3 is the "burning bush" passage, where the Lord addresses Moses and calls him to the task of going to Egypt and freeing the Israelites from slavery. When Moses asks the Lord who he should say sent him, the Lord's response is "I AM WHO I AM." The Lord goes on, telling Moses to remind the Israelites that "I AM" is the same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob...the same God from generation to generation. 

In chapter 4, Moses has a big moment of feeling small and inadequate. He asks the question "what if they don't believe me?" He says he isn't eloquent - he doesn't have the words to speak, the words to say. Then he pulls the "please pick someone else." 

God responds to each of Moses' concerns. HeI shows Moses what to do if the people don't believe him. He tells Moses he will help him speak and teach him what to say. To Moses' plea of 'send someone else,' God gets frustrated and reiterates that if He has called Moses, there isn't any excuse that will get him off the hook. The Lord will provide, the Lord will make happen what he wants done.

I started to ponder this. Who do I say God is? When God tells Moses that he is the same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, he is reminding him of the promises made and the promises fulfilled. He is sending Moses to rescue people who have forgotten his promises. Like the Israelites, how often do I forget about my God, the God of promises made, promises kept and promises fulfilled by the death and resurrection of Jesus? Who do I say God is? 

The second question is who do I say I am? How often am I like Moses? How often do I feel insufficient? Like nothing? Like not enough? How often do I allow these feelings of inadequacy to prevent God's will and call on my life? I forget all too easily that "I AM" is the same "I AM" who spoke to Moses.The God who said to Moses I will help you, I will provide for you, I will equip you with what you need to do the task I have called you to is the same God, doing the same for me. 

Too often in life, we feel inadequate. We feel we aren't enough to do what the Lord wants and need us to do. The question I posed to the small group is "what is God calling you to do, right here...right now? How is he equipping you to do that?" The kids are in high school. Their call is special - to share the message of hope with their friends, their sports teams, in their activities. I know each of them have been been chosen by God to serve in their time and place, in their high school. It's a pretty cool thought. And if we all think about it, and pray about it - the way God is equipping them to is so clear! He is telling them, teaching them, providing for them as they answer his call. How great is our God!?!?!

How is God calling you to share his truth, his message, his hope with a broken, hurting world? In your workplaces, homes, the activities you do, the people you serve, you have been specially called to shine the light of Jesus. He is calling you! He has given you everything you need to go and share! Like he promises Moses in Exodus 4: I will help you. I will teach you. I pray today, you will be reminded of who God is and who you are in him. I pray that you will be renewed in your passion for him and your desire to serve him where you are, fully relying on him to help you answer his call!  


Lord God, 
Help me to see my value is in you. Help me know that you have chosen me to do your will and your work, despite my feelings of insufficiency. Remind me that you never leave nor forsake those you have called. Guide me as I seek your help and trust your teaching so I can seek you and serve you well, wherever that may be. It is your will, God. I will not be moved, I will not be shaken, for I stand with the great "I AM."

Amen

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The Year Of Silence

9/8/2013

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I began this blog nearly a year ago, with the intention of sharing my Seminary journey, ministry journey and reflections on scripture and my daily experience of God's grace and mercy. Things happen and the blog was put on the back burner. (it's possible the stove was not even in the house)  So. What has happened in a year? 

My children are a year older. 

So are my husband and I! 

The hubs and I celebrated another year of marriage. Thank you God, for this marriage and this man! 

The baby started walking. Running is probably a better term.

I finished my first year of Seminary. 

I was invited to contribute to Bethel's blog, which has been fun and rewarding. (check it out here and here!)

Did I mention I made it through a year of Seminary? :) 

I have seen God's awesome work in so many kids I work with. 

I went on a mission trip to Arizona with some amazing youth and adults. 

I have been reminded of what it means to cling desperately to God's promises. 

That last one is important. There were a lot of struggles in the past year. Personal struggles, health struggles, work struggles. People talk about clinging to Christ, but for a long time, my clinging had been a bit more of a pinky swear. I'm ashamed to admit that, but I am grateful for this year-long journey of returning the grasp. I don't believe God gives us struggles "on purpose." But I do think these times can be incredibly rich. I was reminded this year of the one who gives hope when we have none.

So here I am, back to blog again. It's nearing my 10 year anniversary of my Starry Night (check out my testimony). I continue to give thanks to this God that never lets go, never leaves me to walk alone, and reminds me, daily, of his infinite love. I give thanks to him for this year of a reminder that in the midst of the muck, the God I gave my life to 10 years ago continues to fill me with awe! Praise God!  

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