I'm feeling reflective this week. On Tuesday I celebrated (observed?) my sixth year in youth ministry. It's been six years since I picked up the phone and called a church I had never heard of to inquire about a job I didn't really want. 

It's funny when I think about it. I went on the interview not knowing much. Sure, I had given my life over to God a few years before, but I didn't comprehend what that meant. I knew the Bible had a beginning and end. I had faith in God, but didn't know what it meant to live by it. If people talked about a "personal relationship with Jesus" I would put them in the Jesus Freak category. Start talking about hearing God's voice, the Spirit moving, the Enemy or spiritual warfare and they would go in the "Nuts" category.

In the interview, I raised questions about the church's core values, what they taught and what I disagreed with. I was brutally honest in my thoughts, partially because I didn't think I really wanted the job. I was sure honesty had negated any chance at a follow up. Huh. Shows what I know. 

I've now been in youth ministry three times longer than what's considered average, six times longer than I figured I would have at that interview.

Six years.

A few years back I had the opportunity to take another job, in fact I was offered the job. As I sat at the table with the people who would be my boss and executive, I heard a clear voice from God "not yet." And so the visit that was supposed to be accepting a salary and signing a contract ended with my saying: "I'm sorry. I just heard God say not yet. I'm not supposed to take this job." They looked at me like I was nuts. I felt nuts. But the voice was clear. 

Not yet. 

Since that moment when I heard God say "not yet," I have seen why. You see, in youth ministry there isn't much for tenure. Many youth people stick around long enough to burn out. They don't make it much past the heartache, of which there is more than imaginable. They take a look at their broken and bruised heart and spirit and realize it's not worth it. They count the cost in scars and battle wounds, apathy and argument. They don't listen for the "not yet" from God and decide they're done, can't do it anymore, have had enough.

Or, they start the ladder climb. They listen to a church culture that says the youth are a lesser ministry and your future is "pastor." They appreciate the years in youth ministry and move on to 'bigger,' 'better,' 'more respected.' 

It's too bad this is so normal. Had I given in to the burn out or started the ladder climb, if I had taken the job and not heeded God's word, I would have missed seeing God at work the way I have. It's an honor and privilege to see God move the way he does in young people. 

In six years, I've walked with kids through everything. Ev.ery.thing. You name it, I've ministered to it. I've walked alongside kids and their families through the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows. I've seen them succeed and fail, all the while seeking Jesus in the midst. Some have walked away from the faith, and for them I pray without ceasing. 

Still others have fallen into full surrender to Jesus and his will for their life. I've witnessed kids make their plans and let them unravel as God says "not yet." I've listened as young people step out in faith and boldly follow the Spirit, wherever it leads. I've experienced jr. high kids that seem indifferent or disobedient coming to know Christ in ways unimaginable. These same jr. high kids (who I was certain weren't getting a thing out of what I was trying to teach them) now bring me to my knees in worship by a simple text, a drop in visit, a phone call or a tweeted picture. I consider what God has done in their life and through them...and they don't realize what I see. I thank God that he said "not yet." 

It hasn't been an easy road. 

In six years, I've begged and pleaded with God to say "you're done." I've asked God to give me something, anything, to let me know I'm serving him well. I've had times of desert, wilderness and straight-up misery. My years have had heartache and hurt, as I've made mistakes, enemies and wrong decisions. I am tormented by things I said wrong, words that may have hurt and decisions that served as a lynch pin causing someone to walk away. And, while I realize I can't save anyone - that it's Jesus who saves - I'd be lying if I said it doesn't cross my mind that I really mess up sometimes. I quell the enemy voice enough. But sometimes it's convicting, it's a powerful reminder that I fall way short. And still, God says "not yet."

At year four, my husband and I had a difficult conversation and decided that when the class of 2014 was done, I would be too. They (and the class before them) baptized me into youth ministry with energy, spirit, chaos - and as they got older - faith, grace, mercy, acceptance and honesty. 

Well, they graduated two weeks ago. And I'm still here. 

Because again, I hear "not yet." 

Not yet. 

God is at work in me again (read more here) . I feel it. I'm in seminary pursuing my M.Div, not because I want to move up a ladder, but because I want to teach and lead well. I don't know where God will lead me, and I continue to seek the Spirit. The discernment process is in full force. As I hold small groups, prep for mission trips and talk deep theology with those who were jr. highers  when I started,  I reflect on these 6 years of youth ministry. I wait with anticipation of what God will do in the next phase of "not yet."

Today is day 41. 

41 days ago, Jeff and I were en route home from the Exponential conference. We had been filled, renewed, inspired and challenged in our faith and what God is calling us to both individually and together. 

In one of the breakouts, the challenge was put forth: before you do anything, before you act, decide, before you move, spend 40 days with God. You see, throughout scripture whenever someone is called to ministry, there is a period of waiting, desert, temptation, time with God. A time to press into God, seek his truth, his revelation. The 40 day challenge was put forth to press into God and wait on him. And so, in the car on the way to catch our flight home, I asked Jeff if we could do this journey together, reading scripture and for me, journaling. He agreed.

And God gave us Proverbs 4. 

Proverbs 4: 5, 12 - 13.
"Get wisdom, get understanding. Do not forget my words, or swerve from them.... I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well for it is your life. 

In these 40 days, we have daily turned to God's word, and daily we have been filled by his wisdom. We have felt his hand guiding and leading us. We have found hope that as we walk by faith and obedience to him, he is narrowing our way. We have held to his instruction and been reminded that HE is better than life.

To guide us, Jeff found an app that allows you to randomly chose scripture. We have been all over the bible. Old Testament, Minor Prophets. Epistles. Gospel. We have learned - or rather been reminded - that God is never random. God is perfect in his timing. Daily we have been filled fully by the Spirit, reminded of call and purpose, helped as we hone in on what he's calling us to. In the process, Jeff has taken a leadership of our faith, and for every ounce of me that is egalitarian in nature, I am so thankful that God is raising him up to lead in our home, in this way. 

Some days as I wrote, the pages were stained with tears - of happiness, dread and joy. Other days, I asked God to help me understand what he was revealing. Still others we added a Psalm, or read far beyond the assigned reading. And in all things, he has worked for good, as we answer his call.

At day 15, Jeff felt convicted of two things:
1) We should keep going after day 40
2) We should end the first 40 days with a fast. 

So on Thursday night, we prepared for our fast. We prayed together, asked for guidance and strength, wisdom and revelation. We shared communion. And then we began.

Yesterday, God gave us Proverbs 19: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." 

Today - Lord God, today - I'm amazed. He gave us Ephesians 3. The passage that has come over and over and over again. The mystery of the Gospel revealed, as well as the Prayer for the Ephesians. 


The prayer I have prayed for my kids, and the youth kids and my husband. And that God knows I need to hear, that which has been revealed countless times since last July. He gives us today, a reminder: 

Ephesians 3: 14 - 21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts  through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.


In the 40 days, as we have pressed into the Lord, through prayer, worship, scripture and submission to God's will, we are strengthened by the truth shared in Ephesians. He is doing more than we can imagine. He is preparing us for his call, his purpose and aligning our passion to reach people for HIS glory. I can not say we are at ease with where he is leading us - yet. But we've had great conversations, thrown out different dreams and fears. And all the way, we are more and more encouraged by the love of Christ.

We are encouraged.. "to make a change, leave our home, give to the poor all that you own. Lose our lives...so that you can find it." (Lyrics: Josh Garrels. "Zion and Babylon," Love, War and the Sea In Between, 2012) 

 His love - the love of Christ - is worth it. 

Thanks be to God.