Blog Posts

Not Yet

6/19/2014

The graduate prayer wall.

I'm feeling reflective this week. On Tuesday I celebrated (observed?) my sixth year in youth ministry. It's been six years since I picked up the phone and called a church I had never heard of to inquire about a job I didn't really want.

It's funny when I think about it. I went on the interview not knowing much. Sure, I had given my life over to God a few years before, but I didn't comprehend what that meant. I knew the Bible had a beginning and end. I had faith in God, but didn't know what it meant to live by it. If people talked about a "personal relationship with Jesus" I would put them in the Jesus Freak category. Start talking about hearing God's voice, the Spirit moving, the Enemy or spiritual warfare and they would go in the "Nuts" category.

In the interview, I raised questions about the church's core values, what they taught and what I disagreed with. I was brutally honest in my thoughts, partially because I didn't think I really wanted the job. I was sure honesty had negated any chance at a follow up. Huh. Shows what I know.

I've now been in youth ministry three times longer than what's considered average, six times longer than I figured I would have at that interview.

Six years.

A few years back I had the opportunity to take another job, in fact I was offered the job. As I sat at the table with the people who would be my boss and executive, I heard a clear voice from God "not yet." And so the visit that was supposed to be accepting a salary and signing a contract ended with my saying: "I'm sorry. I just heard God say not yet. I'm not supposed to take this job." They looked at me like I was nuts. I felt nuts. But the voice was clear.

Not yet.

Since that moment when I heard God say "not yet," I have seen why. You see, in youth ministry there isn't much for tenure. Many youth people stick around long enough to burn out. They don't make it much past the heartache, of which there is more than imaginable. They take a look at their broken and bruised heart and spirit and realize it's not worth it. They count the cost in scars and battle wounds, apathy and argument. They don't listen for the "not yet" from God and decide they're done, can't do it anymore, have had enough.

Or, they start the ladder climb. They listen to a church culture that says the youth are a lesser ministry and your future is "pastor." They appreciate the years in youth ministry and move on to 'bigger,' 'better,' 'more respected.'

It's too bad this is so normal. Had I given in to the burn out or started the ladder climb, if I had taken the job and not heeded God's word, I would have missed seeing God at work the way I have. It's an honor and privilege to see God move the way he does in young people.

In six years, I've walked with kids through everything. Ev.ery.thing. You name it, I've ministered to it. I've walked alongside kids and their families through the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows. I've seen them succeed and fail, all the while seeking Jesus in the midst. Some have walked away from the faith, and for them I pray without ceasing.

Still others have fallen into full surrender to Jesus and his will for their life. I've witnessed kids make their plans and let them unravel as God says "not yet." I've listened as young people step out in faith and boldly follow the Spirit, wherever it leads. I've experienced jr. high kids that seem indifferent or disobedient coming to know Christ in ways unimaginable. These same jr. high kids (who I was certain weren't getting a thing out of what I was trying to teach them) now bring me to my knees in worship by a simple text, a drop in visit, a phone call or a tweeted picture. I consider what God has done in their life and through them...and they don't realize what I see. I thank God that he said "not yet."

It hasn't been an easy road.

In six years, I've begged and pleaded with God to say "you're done." I've asked God to give me something, anything, to let me know I'm serving him well. I've had times of desert, wilderness and straight-up misery. My years have had heartache and hurt, as I've made mistakes, enemies and wrong decisions. I am tormented by things I said wrong, words that may have hurt and decisions that served as a lynch pin causing someone to walk away. And, while I realize I can't save anyone - that it's Jesus who saves - I'd be lying if I said it doesn't cross my mind that I really mess up sometimes. I quell the enemy voice enough. But sometimes it's convicting, it's a powerful reminder that I fall way short. And still, God says "not yet."

At year four, my husband and I had a difficult conversation and decided that when the class of 2014 was done, I would be too. They (and the class before them) baptized me into youth ministry with energy, spirit, chaos - and as they got older - faith, grace, mercy, acceptance and honesty.

Well, they graduated two weeks ago. And I'm still here.

Because again, I hear "not yet."

Not yet.

God is at work in me again (read more here) . I feel it. I'm in seminary pursuing my M.Div, not because I want to move up a ladder, but because I want to teach and lead well. I don't know where God will lead me, and I continue to seek the Spirit. The discernment process is in full force. As I hold small groups, prep for mission trips and talk deep theology with those who were jr. highers when I started, I reflect on these 6 years of youth ministry. I wait with anticipation of what God will do in the next phase of "not yet."

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#40days

6/14/2014

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Today is day 41.

41 days ago, Jeff and I were en route home from the Exponential conference. We had been filled, renewed, inspired and challenged in our faith and what God is calling us to both individually and together.

In one of the breakouts, the challenge was put forth: before you do anything, before you act, decide, before you move, spend 40 days with God. You see, throughout scripture whenever someone is called to ministry, there is a period of waiting, desert, temptation, time with God. A time to press into God, seek his truth, his revelation. The 40 day challenge was put forth to press into God and wait on him. And so, in the car on the way to catch our flight home, I asked Jeff if we could do this journey together, reading scripture and for me, journaling. He agreed.

And God gave us Proverbs 4.

Proverbs 4: 5, 12 - 13.
"Get wisdom, get understanding. Do not forget my words, or swerve from them.... I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered, when you run you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well for it is your life.

In these 40 days, we have daily turned to God's word, and daily we have been filled by his wisdom. We have felt his hand guiding and leading us. We have found hope that as we walk by faith and obedience to him, he is narrowing our way. We have held to his instruction and been reminded that HE is better than life.

To guide us, Jeff found an app that allows you to randomly chose scripture. We have been all over the bible. Old Testament, Minor Prophets. Epistles. Gospel. We have learned - or rather been reminded - that God is never random. God is perfect in his timing. Daily we have been filled fully by the Spirit, reminded of call and purpose, helped as we hone in on what he's calling us to. In the process, Jeff has taken a leadership of our faith, and for every ounce of me that is egalitarian in nature, I am so thankful that God is raising him up to lead in our home, in this way.

Some days as I wrote, the pages were stained with tears - of happiness, dread and joy. Other days, I asked God to help me understand what he was revealing. Still others we added a Psalm, or read far beyond the assigned reading. And in all things, he has worked for good, as we answer his call.

At day 15, Jeff felt convicted of two things:
1) We should keep going after day 40
2) We should end the first 40 days with a fast.

So on Thursday night, we prepared for our fast. We prayed together, asked for guidance and strength, wisdom and revelation. We shared communion. And then we began.

Yesterday, God gave us Proverbs 19: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Today - Lord God, today - I'm amazed. He gave us Ephesians 3. The passage that has come over and over and over again. The mystery of the Gospel revealed, as well as the Prayer for the Ephesians.

The prayer I have prayed for my kids, and the youth kids and my husband. And that God knows I need to hear, that which has been revealed countless times since last July. He gives us today, a reminder:

Ephesians 3: 14 - 21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

In the 40 days, as we have pressed into the Lord, through prayer, worship, scripture and submission to God's will, we are strengthened by the truth shared in Ephesians. He is doing more than we can imagine. He is preparing us for his call, his purpose and aligning our passion to reach people for HIS glory. I can not say we are at ease with where he is leading us - yet. But we've had great conversations, thrown out different dreams and fears. And all the way, we are more and more encouraged by the love of Christ.

We are encouraged.. "to make a change, leave our home, give to the poor all that you own. Lose our lives...so that you can find it." (Lyrics: Josh Garrels. "Zion and Babylon," Love, War and the Sea In Between, 2012)

His love - the love of Christ - is worth it.

Thanks be to God.

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Hockey Theology (Part 1)

4/2/2014

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Once upon a time, the game of hockey meant nothing to me. I had never stepped foot into an arena packed with crazy fans. I knew nothing about this sport where players skate around, waving sticks wildly in an attempt to make a disk of rubber fly into a net, while a person willingly lets said frozen rubber fly at them.

But then I fell for a hockey boy. From head to skate-clad toe, he was the epitome of a die-hard. He'd played since he was four, watched the sport non-stop and attempted to explain the game to his hockey-illiterate girlfriend. I didn't really care. He looked awesome with the flow that curled just right under the helmet. I could deal with his love of the sport. Small price to pay, or so I thought.

Fast forward 20 years and we have a son who has followed in dad's footsteps. We spend 7 months of the year racing to and from the rink, frequent the hockey shops and try to figure out when Alex can get more ice time. I know how to tape a stick, but can't get the skates tight enough. I understand a pin book and sweat when I think about the cost of equipment. Alas, we are the people wishing for winter three weeks into May because hockey season. In my wildest dreams, I never imagined this life. And he's just a Mite.

In the course of the intervening years, the sport has seeped into my blood. There's nothing like the scrape of skates on freshly Zam'd ice, the sound of the puck hitting the boards or the chaos of the chase in a close game. There's also nothing quite like the aroma of hockey gear sitting in a basement, but I digress. We watch more games than I care to admit, follow college teams, NHL teams and high school teams. Some of my favorite movies revolve around the sport: Miracle. Mighty Ducks. Mystery.

A few nights ago, I was looking for hockey quotes for Alex's bedroom, and I came across a few that struck me as interesting. They come from Wayne Gretzky, "The Great One"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

"A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be."

These verses jumped off the screen, especially because a theology book I was reading for a class referred to sin as "effectively missing the goal." Sin is missing the goal. We miss 100% of the shots we don't take, and what makes a player great is anticipation. When I read things like this, I always see a faith connection...

Life sometimes seems like a big sheet of ice. There are two options: Stay where you are and be good or anticipate and move to be great.

Of course we want to be great. But we get complacent. We decide we like life where the puck is. Because we stay where we are, we don't realize how far we're falling behind the great ones. We feel in control of the situation surrounding us and our skills are good. But in our control, pride seeps in and we get cocky. We make missteps and get tripped up. We fall on the break-away, get checked from behind or find ourselves off sides. Our pride gets the best of us and the shavings of temptation weasel in causing us to sin. The people chillin' in the good zone don't help much, because they aren't too interested in winning the game. They just want to play, in all meanings of the word. All the while others with a wider gaze skate past us to victory that is Jesus Christ.

I don't wanna be that person. I don't wanna get tripped up, fall down, get hit hard from behind and find myself offsides, constantly in another face off, another battle with the enemy. I wanna anticipate great.

So how do we move to great? I think it's what The Great One said. We anticipate and move. We anticipate the opponent's position and movements - all the hooking, slashing and tripping he's going to try to wear us down. And then we anticipate and move into our position, ready to accept what Christ has planned and follow him, trust him to greatness.

We open our hearts to his will and his way, ready to receive the pass. We learn the Playbook inside and out, so the Word can direct us and teach us. We get our head in the game, through prayer and focus on Christ. And, we make sure our team and line consist of people more experienced at the game. These teammates, our brothers and sisters in Christ, encourage us, work us, challenge us and push us to excel, because they know that the whole point is to keep the eye on the goal and win the game.

And then we never waver or second guess our decision to take every shot at living wholeheartedly for Christ. We aim for the goal and shoot, giving it everything we've got. Yeah, we might mess up or miss (sin), but every shot we take at following Christ and living for him improves our game. It teaches us to persevere and avoid the corners where we get trapped. It teaches us the rush of playing well, the adrenaline of overcoming the opponent, and most important ... the freedom of a wide open sheet of ice, made clean by our full surrender to Christ Jesus.

Part Two: Wolves (Coming soon)

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Up On The Mountain

2/27/2014

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"Take me up to where I was when I never wanted more than you."

I don't like having my photo taken. I'm self conscious and pick apart every minute detail. It's unhealthy and I'm well aware of this.

But this. This is perhaps one of my favorite pictures - maybe ever, but most certainly from my past 5 + years of ministry. I'm on a rocky "mountain" in Arizona during our mission trip. Late in the day, on our last day of work, two groups decided to take a hike and find a place to read scripture. One of the girls randomly chose Ephesians 3. And to that we turned.

Ephesians 3. Up until that point, I'd read "over" this passage many times. I'd thought of it, reflected on it, but it didn't really move me. It is a great passage, one of many that are living and active. But up on the mountain, this passage came to life. As we read, we learned about Paul and who he was in Christ. We read about him being a servant of the gospel. We read about God's grace. We were reminded that like Paul, we all have been given grace to preach, teach and share about our awesome Lord and Savior. It was awesome, the view was fantastic, the wind was just right, and until the lightning started, the group was engaged in studying God's word.

And we came to 3:14 - 20:

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I looked at the 6 young people I've worked with for so long. Two heading to college. One entering his senior year, and three just starting their time in Sr. High Ministry. These words became so much more than God's word on the page. As we read Paul's prayer for the Ephesians, I realized this prayer wasn't just Paul's for the Ephesians. It was also my prayer for the kids. Even now, months later, when I think of these words and read this passage, I pray for each of those young people "up on the mountain," that they know this deep love of Christ. It is one of my favorite moments in ministry.

For a long time, I would look at this picture, think about this passage and recall it as a memory for the books. I couldn't figure out why this picture and this passage "got to me" the way it did. I mean I like the kids enough, but really. There was something deeper going on.

Before this moment on the mountain, this passage was barely on my radar. And then it kept showing up. In messages. In sermons. In my devos. In training I went to. At intensives. In a seminary assignment. Each time this passage came up, it elicited a smile and over time a profound sense that God was telling me something on the mountain too.

Truth is, God's been working on me and narrowing my call. Over the past months, I've experienced a tension of how and where I am called to serve and who God wants me to minister to. Honestly, it's stressful. It makes one feel weak, unsure and insecure. It makes me question God's plan and his provision. It leads to restlessness, doubt, and frustration. And then, God's word delivers.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power."

"And I pray that you being rooted and established in love (JESUS) may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ."

"That you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I've needed these words the past few months. I've needed the reminder that he can - and does - strengthen. I've needed the reminder to remain rooted and established in Christ. I've needed the reminder that he's called me to preach and teach. I've needed the reminder of how great his love is.

DAILY I've needed the reminder that knowing God and him intimately knowing me is really all I need.

Now, when I look at this photo, I see something different. This moment and this passage was a message for me as much as it was for them. It was up on the mountain where, in a random passage of scripture, his love captured me again. It was up on the mountain where I was reminded that regardless of the peaks and valleys of life and faith and call, God's power is big. We are filled beyond measure when we are rooted in Christ. And when we are firmly established in his love, we may not grasp his love, but we definitely want nothing else, nothing more than him.

"This I know..."

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Pieces of me

12/8/2013

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The baby is there too.... I promise.

This morning was a challenge to get out the door. Jeff is working a hockey tourney all weekend. I had been up since 3:30 a.m. working on seminary papers (my procrastination problem is a post for a different time). The kids slept in, which never happens. All of a sudden, it's 8:00 a.m. and we have to leave for church by 9:00.

Do the math on that for a second. Five people, four under 10 and the baby counts as two, especially after waffles and syrup. I get the kids showered and dressed, giving me exactly 13 minutes to shower and get ready. Talk about a marathon. At 9:07 everyone is in the car. But my van is furiously groaning against my turning the key. The window was inadvertently left in the down position and will not roll up. I have to run into the house three times (diaper bag, office keys, bible). Lucas says "Mom! We're late." Yes I know.

We back out. The garage door opener won't work. So I jump out of the vehicle, run to the opener by the door, hit the button, do the "laser beam jump" so the garage door will stay closed. Fail. Door starts to open back up, run back to the button, "laser beam jump"...and the garage door stays down. I get in the car, slam the door, with snow blowing through my open window and seriously consider piling out the van and skipping church. I work there. In 5 ish years I can count on my hands how many times I've missed. The temptation was huge this morning to say "forget it..." or something similar that may not be blog appropriate.

But, I back out. We go. I took a Instagram selfie of us because Jeff does it every week and he deserved the pleasure of knowing he can actually say "Ha! you see!!!" But that's not the point of the post. (Thanks, though, honey, for getting the kids to church every Sunday when I leave early!)

We make it to church, drop the boys off at Praise Team and I slip in to the last half of the service. I found a place at the table way in the back and figured I could just chill and take it in. The first words I heard of the sermon. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Hmmm. Good start. I knew I was going to be in service for the whole service at 11, so I decided to just meditate (code for zone out the rest of the sermon).

But at 11, I was prepared. I knew that pastor had something good to share based solely on those powerful words from Romans. While we were still sinners, Christ died. For you. For me...I wondered where he was going with this message.

We're in the season of Advent. This season of the church calendar is marked by waiting, by great expectations of what God is going to do. We wait on the Lord. We wait for this gift, the unspeakable joy of Christmas. At the same time, our church is in a season of waiting. We have endured a long, bumpy road the past two years. We're weary.

Truth is, Jeff and I are also in a season of waiting. We're discussing, praying, asking, wondering when the right time is to make a move, to act, to face discernment head on. We've asked over and over again "is this the time? Is it now? Or later? Did we miss it? Are we hearing God speak or are we following our own will and ways? This season of waiting is filled with restlessness and total certainty that we are not totally certain of anything.

While we were sinners, Christ came to this world. While we were lost, desperate,questioning, wondering. God worked.

And it's in that moment, as our pastor addresses waiting - of Advent, for Elizabeth, how God used the period of waiting, what God has in store for each of us individually, for our church, for my family - that the hustle and bustle, half done hair, thrown on t-shirt, broken window, forgotten diapers and lost hat - was totally worth it. In this moment I am grateful for the Word of God. I am overcome with joy that our God's word is as relevant today as it was 2000 years ago. I am so blessed to go to church and hear the pastor boldly proclaim that it is sin that separates us, it is sin that keeps us separate, and it's in the midst of that sin that God penetrated the world and sent his son. While we were waiting, while we were wallowing, while we were lost and broken...he moved.

Pastor shared that when we are unsure and in our period of waiting, we look for God's cues. We look for God's cues that all the pieces are in place for something amazing to happen. Look for the cues that reveal that now is the time you are going to meet your God. Now, when life is in pieces is the time that you will meet your God. It is when life is in pieces, when there are too many questions to count and not enough answers to satisfy that God's word reminds us to return to Him and he will return to us. It's in those times of hectic, those times of crazy mornings, those seasons of discernment and restlessness that God speaks. He reminds us to return to him.

Get in the car with your family, your broken relationship, your teen with an attitude, your stress about work, your doubt that he's good... and return to him. Join others who are just like you, struggling in the same boat, asking the same questions and worship the one who promises that in our sin, he is with us. In our return - our confession and acknowledgement that we need him - he returns to us. He shares his word, it speaks to us and it reminds us that we can meet with him. There is nothing better than meeting our awesome God. Thank you, Jesus!

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I Believe

11/15/2013

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A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to teach the 8th graders about the Apostles Creed. These eighth graders! They are full of spirit, full of spark and on that strange road of lurching along in faith or falling head over in heels in love with Jesus. They are no different than any class of 8th graders who came before or any that will come after. It is a fun age to work with.

We talked about where the creed came from, why we have it and examples of creeds in the bible. There are many places in the bible where the writers of the Old Testament and New Testament knew the importance and value of writing down what they believe, and we looked up those passages. We also talked why each part made its way into the Creed and how each article reveals what we believe about the God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit - that devine mystery called the trinity.

As I was preparing, I started thinking of the creed. Here it is if you want to read through:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son our Lord,
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary. He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day, He rose again. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting. Amen

If you are like me, you read and recite this so quickly that you forget just how important the words are, how much is said in such a short passage.

I imagine most of us don't often reflect and meditate on what each article means. We don't fully comprehend the depth of each phrase. Furthermore, we don't consider how what we believe should affect how we live.

We know what we believe, but we have no idea what we believe.

For instance, we say that God is the creator of heaven and earth (and therefore, all things on heaven and earth). Do we treat people as a beautiful creation of the Father Almighty? Or do we judge by appearance? Do we value life - all life, born and unborn - as a blessed creation of the Father? Do we care for the earth, this place we inhabit, as a fantastic creation of the One who called it good? Or are we reckless in our use of resources, goods ... and people.

Do we trust the power of God, the same power that conceived Jesus and rose him from the grave? Do we understand that confessing that power also confesses that we have that same power in us? That same power of the Holy Spirit dwells in us and gives us the courage, strength and boldness to proclaim who we are and what we believe, without fear! This power gives us life, gives us freedom to unabashedly follow the Lord without fear and chains? This power begs us to ask "whom shall I fear" and know the answer is NO ONE!

Do we really believe in the holy Christian (catholic - which means universal - is said in some churches) church? Or, do we get hung up on shrapnel, those little shards of difference that prevent sharing the Gospel and replace it with petty arguments that cause division. I would argue that often, our actions as churches and denominations deny that we actually believe in the holy universal church...and we shift the focus of church from Jesus to things of man.

And finally. Do we really believe in the forgiveness of sins? Do we really know that we are forgiven if we confess and repent? Do we trust that the slate is clean and we are washed and purified? Moreover, does our "belief" in our own forgiveness echo into our lives and how we forgive others? Or, do we deny what we state in the creed by hanging on to anger and hurt, creating grudges and walls between believers and non-believers alike?

As I reflect on the creed, this I know: I BELIEVE.

My life just has a bit of catching up to do.

Lord,
I trust in you, I trust in the work of the cross. I trust that you are pouring out your Holy Spirit as I seek you and follow your will for my life. Continue to purify and refine me, Lord. That is my prayer.
Amen

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Disoriented

11/12/2013

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October is a month marked by packed schedules, full days and fuller evenings. Between the responsibilities of the ministry I serve (October is Confirmation and retreat month), the full onslaught of activity schedules for our four children, Seminary intensives and more, there is never a dull moment. There is little time to stop, breathe, and enjoy the little moments. The end of October always means a season of disorientation and reorientation for my husband and I. Disorientation as we race to this and that and try to remember where we need to be to when. Reorientation sets in as we reconnect and have a full conversation again. (Thanks, November...for arriving as always!)

This October brought with it a season of disorientation with the Lord. Disorientation can mean a feeling of separation and distance. But this October's gift of disorientation is not the result of separation, but instead a profound season of discernment. The season of discernment caused disorientation has left me (as my supervisor, Mark, identified) restless. Like a compass spinning round and round, but failing to find North, I haven't been able to get my bearings of what God is calling me to. The sense that God is calling me to something new and/or different - here or elsewhere - is clear.

This way, that way or the other way. Spin, spin, spin.

I've spent many hours reading scripture, completing my devos, listening to worship music and reflecting on my ministry, call and purpose. The discernment is awesome. The resulting disorientation is not awesome.

Spin, spin, spin. It is dizzying, this season. And exciting. Nerve-wracking. Exhausting. Confusing. Lonely.

As I have lingered in this season of discernment caused disorientation, I am struck by Psalm 13:

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

What I trust in this season of discernment and disorientation is that the Lord is preparing me. I am not going into this season separated from him, but with a desire to draw nearer to him. I am acutely aware that if I am to serve him as he is calling me to do, and if I am to follow where he leads, I must draw near to him. I can not follow his lead, and lead others to follow HIM if I am not heading his words.

So I linger. I spin. And I trust. I trust his love. I trust his plan. I trust his purpose. I keep reaching for the Rope that is Christ.

I seek him. He receives my seeking heart.

I confess my sin and seek forgiveness. He pours out his grace.

And above all, with a heart full of thanksgiving, I rejoice. I rejoice!

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amazed.

9/19/2013

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You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by you.

For the past month or so, the song Amazed by Desperation Band has been at the top of my playlist. This is an older song, and I've always liked it, but the Lord has renewed my appreciation for this song.

I can't help but think about how awesome our God is. We should be amazed by the Lord...for many reasons. Look around you. It's getting to be fall right now where I live, and the trees are bursting forth in splendid glory of blazing colors. Each morning, I wake up to the sound of four children laughing and playing. Children are an inheritance of the Lord. He's given me these children to raise to love and follow him, while all the while they daily remind me of the perfect, innocent faith that Jesus says we should all have. I think of the way the kids I work with are discovering new intricacies in their relationship with Christ. I reflect on how so many young people I know have a relationship with Christ that reveals perfect trust and full surrender.

But what really gets me are the lyrics above.

You dance over me, while I am unaware.

God is moving, God is orchestrating his perfect plan for me and my life - and for you and yours. And this orchestration isn't the work of a maniacal puppeteer manipulating people. Instead, it's the brilliant work of a master conductor, taking in every sound, every instrument he has created and tuning them to fit perfectly in his full ensemble. As he works all around, we are totally unaware of how he is perfecting the tune of our lives, perfecting the pieces, perfecting the composition in our lives, so our lives can sing a song of praise right back to him.

It's interesting to read how often scripture tells us to stand in awe of God. We read throughout the Old Testament to stand in awe of God's name, to be in awe of the Lord. Psalms reminds us again and again of the awesome work of the Lord - how awesome is the Lord most high.

In our busy lives, with our jobs, families, school, commitments, technology, twitter, TV and more, we don't often take the time to sit back and reflect on just how awesome the Lord is. We don't give ourselves the calm and quiet to be still and be amazed by the Lord. There is great reason to be amazed by him. As I already shared, look around. Look at the blessings that abound, that we don't even notice ... we are unaware of God dancing. We never hear the sound of God at work. And that's just on the surface.

Because the second part of this song tells why we are amazed: how you love me.

In the beginning God created...and he called it good. He called us good. But we fell into a need for grace when we went against God's perfect plan for us. And still, he loves us. The Old Testament is this beautiful trajectory towards the climax of God's love: Jesus Christ. I'm amazed by you, how you love me. The lyric is how wide, how deep is your love for me. How wide and how deep indeed. Wider and deeper is God's love than the chasm of sin that separated us from him. His love is so deep that he sent his son Jesus to save us from our sin. And in the love revealed on the cross and in the empty tomb, his passion for a relationship with me is so evident. Lord, I'm amazed by you.

Lord, keep dancing around. Keep singing. Continue to orchestrate my life into a symphony that draws me to you, propels me to love you and share your truth with you. Lord, I amazed by you, how you love me.

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blameless, adj.

9/13/2013

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This semester, I am in a course on Transformational Leadership. It's been a powerful course so far, as I have been challenged by what I am reading in my textbooks and scripture.

The focus this week was what a church leader is and is not to be. We read in 1 Timothy 3, Titus 3, and Galatians 5 the expectations of those in leadership. Each of these passages include difficult words for those who desire to lead the church. As my mentor says, as we read scripture, we should first think of what grates us. Well, these passages leave me like a block of cheese on the surface of a grater -- totally shredded.

Let me me clear. I wholly and fully trust the words and expectations of leaders laid out in these passages. They are not included in scripture to just glaze over and take with a grain of salt. Instead, they are commands. They are commands that propel us to personal righteousness (which means to be made holy, which means to be set apart...righteousness is a good thing). They are also words that remind us of the title we carry as "pastor" and what it means. These passages are included because of the many eyes watching and ears listening to what we as leaders are doing. Without an eye and heart tuned to these words, our leadership can slowly fade to gray, until desires of the flesh have pulled us so far from the Spirit, that our work is contrary to the Spirit.(Galatians 5:17)

As I read these passages, I am acutely aware of the noble calling of those who are to lead the church. But the words grate because I realize just how short I fall. All three passages, depending on the translation you read, include the words "blameless." Blameless. An adjective which means innocent of wrong doing. How in the world can I ever, as a fallen human being, be blameless? I am so guilty. So guilty of so many things. I see in myself each of the warnings of these words. Lord, forgive me...I have sinned.

Each day I fail at blamelessness as I fall once again. Each day I wake and pray for God to work mightily in my own heart and life so that I am purified and worthy of what he has called me to. But the "devil just won't let me forget." I find myself feeling unworthy of this call. I find myself focusing on what I have done wrong, where I have messed up and counting all the ways others are counting up my mistakes.

And then I think about the rest of the words of Galatians 5. Galatians lays out what the desires of the flesh are and then reminds us and encourages us in the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness and self-control. We are reminded that those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the desires of the flesh. We have put them to death. And in putting the earthy desires to death, we live by the Spirit, we keep in step with the Spirit. It is in our living by the Spirit and being in step with the Spirit that we strive towards the goal of blamelessness.

It's interesting the words Paul uses. "Let us keep in step with the Spirit." The words "let us" imply that we need reminding of to whom we belong. We need reminding that we must keep connected to the Lord in our leadership. As soon as we take a baby step away, it leaves a foothold for the desires of the flesh, a foothold for blame, a foothold for the enemy to grab. I think of a rock climbing wall. The foothold need not be big for the enemy to gain great strides. So, let us keep in step with the Spirit!

I know in my work, I get busy. In my home life, with kids' activities, a marriage to nurture, and seminary work, I leave my life wide open to the smallest foothold. But I can strive to live by the spirit, to keep in step with the spirit. Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me.

Lord,
I want to be blameless before you. I want to be worthy of this noble calling. Help me, Lord, to keep my eyes ever fixed on you, to remain in step with you. Lord I know without my eyes fixed on you, the battle that rages within me will be tipped in favor of the enemy who longs to devour me. Remind me - daily - of your goodness, your provision, your forgiveness and your love. And sustain me in the times when I do not realize my need is you. Lord God, you are good. Thank you for revealing yourself to me.
Amen

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who are you? who am i?

9/11/2013

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This week, my Old Testament course required reading Exodus from start to finish, all the way through, in one sitting. I've read Exodus many times, but I'm not sure if I had done so start to finish. It is a lot of reading, but it is powerful!

I was also prepping for the first night of a small group I lead. The words of God and Moses in Exodus 3 and 4 seemed to be a perfect start for this group. Praise God for his always timely word - and for the professor who assigned it this week!

Exodus 3 is the "burning bush" passage, where the Lord addresses Moses and calls him to the task of going to Egypt and freeing the Israelites from slavery. When Moses asks the Lord who he should say sent him, the Lord's response is "I AM WHO I AM." The Lord goes on, telling Moses to remind the Israelites that "I AM" is the same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob...the same God from generation to generation.

In chapter 4, Moses has a big moment of feeling small and inadequate. He asks the question "what if they don't believe me?" He says he isn't eloquent - he doesn't have the words to speak, the words to say. Then he pulls the "please pick someone else."

God responds to each of Moses' concerns. HeI shows Moses what to do if the people don't believe him. He tells Moses he will help him speak and teach him what to say. To Moses' plea of 'send someone else,' God gets frustrated and reiterates that if He has called Moses, there isn't any excuse that will get him off the hook. The Lord will provide, the Lord will make happen what he wants done.

I started to ponder this. Who do I say God is? When God tells Moses that he is the same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, he is reminding him of the promises made and the promises fulfilled. He is sending Moses to rescue people who have forgotten his promises. Like the Israelites, how often do I forget about my God, the God of promises made, promises kept and promises fulfilled by the death and resurrection of Jesus? Who do I say God is?

The second question is who do I say I am? How often am I like Moses? How often do I feel insufficient? Like nothing? Like not enough? How often do I allow these feelings of inadequacy to prevent God's will and call on my life? I forget all too easily that "I AM" is the same "I AM" who spoke to Moses.The God who said to Moses I will help you, I will provide for you, I will equip you with what you need to do the task I have called you to is the same God, doing the same for me.

Too often in life, we feel inadequate. We feel we aren't enough to do what the Lord wants and need us to do. The question I posed to the small group is "what is God calling you to do, right here...right now? How is he equipping you to do that?" The kids are in high school. Their call is special - to share the message of hope with their friends, their sports teams, in their activities. I know each of them have been been chosen by God to serve in their time and place, in their high school. It's a pretty cool thought. And if we all think about it, and pray about it - the way God is equipping them to is so clear! He is telling them, teaching them, providing for them as they answer his call. How great is our God!?!?!

How is God calling you to share his truth, his message, his hope with a broken, hurting world? In your workplaces, homes, the activities you do, the people you serve, you have been specially called to shine the light of Jesus. He is calling you! He has given you everything you need to go and share! Like he promises Moses in Exodus 4: I will help you. I will teach you. I pray today, you will be reminded of who God is and who you are in him. I pray that you will be renewed in your passion for him and your desire to serve him where you are, fully relying on him to help you answer his call!

Lord God,
Help me to see my value is in you. Help me know that you have chosen me to do your will and your work, despite my feelings of insufficiency. Remind me that you never leave nor forsake those you have called. Guide me as I seek your help and trust your teaching so I can seek you and serve you well, wherever that may be. It is your will, God. I will not be moved, I will not be shaken, for I stand with the great "I AM."
Amen

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